Title: Dammit, Janet
Author: Shoshana
Summary: Objecting to their fantasies being made public, McCoy and
Spock pay a visit to Janet Sykes.
Description: One-act musical play utilizing the stanza formats of
the songs “Science Fiction – Double Feature” and “Dammit,
Janet,”
from the stage musical Rocky Horror Show,
music/lyrics/book by
Richard O’Brien. Contains allusions
to Buffy the Vampire Slayer
and the (as yet unproduced) Star Trek XII, XIII and XIV. Involves
changes to canon, time travel paradox, and references to actual
persons, living and dead. Roughly
6700 words
Pairings: S/Mc Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG PG-13 profanity, references to male anatomy and
m/m sexual activity, witchcraft
Warning: Opinions expressed in the following by certain parties are not
necessarily shared by their real-life counterparts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Not a molecule, atom, quark
or vibrating string of it. Nor do I own or profit in any way from
the lyrics of Rocky Horror Show. Not a stanza, line, word or syllable.
This is a work of fiction. Actions
referred to as having been
performed by various real individuals never took place.
Author’s
note: finished in a rush at 4 am . . . .
CAST
in order of appearance
CHORUS
Consisting
of all interested members,
the tone deaf
included, of the Spock/McCoy Haven
In addition
to the Prologue, Finale and Epilogue
the ensemble sings underlined refrains
JANET SYKES
SHOSHANA/SUSAN MECKEL
DR. LEONARD McCOY
MR. SPOCK
CURTAIN CLOSED
(The CHORUS, dressed in
Coyote costumes, enters the apron.)
CHORUS
(singing)
(tune: “Science
Fiction - Double Feature”)
Star Trek XII was released Uhura Spock had ceased
Now replaced with a pairing male
This did not sit real great with those portrayed as mate
They conspired to alter the tale
Yes, something annoyed old friends Spock and McCoy
They got caught in a celluloid jam
So at an angry pace
they came from future space
And this is how their story ran:
Science Fiction – Double Feature
Mr. Spock and Bones beseech her
See Len and Vulcan mad at Janet
While hanging out on our Terran planet
Oh-oh at the late night, double feature, picture show
I want to go
Oh-oh to the late night, double feature, picture show
CURTAIN OPENS
SCENE: The office of Janet Sykes, Spock/McCoy
fan extraordinaire.
An exterior door is at stage right, an interior door is at stage left.
JANET is seated at her computer. SHOSHANA stands next to her.
Unnoticed, members of the CHORUS
scatter, hiding under tables,
behind chairs, and outside windows.
It is the evening of November 30,
the deadline for Spiced Peaches XXVII.
JANET
(agitated)
Content! I need more content!
Artwork! Stories! Poems!
Videos! Something! Why
did I listen to you? This Broadway
theme was a terrible idea! This issue is going to be almost empty!
SHOSHANA
You called me all the way to New York to tell me that? Dammit,
Janet,
it’s not my fault! I only made the suggestion. You didn’t have to take it.
JANET
Couldn’t you at least finish the story about NUSpock dumping
Uhura and T’Pring for Len?
SHOSHANA
I put that on the back burner. Even if I were home I couldn’t
finish it in time. And I don’t have a Broadway name for it.
JANET
You could come up with a title! Three Bedroom House! For Now! Louder Than Words!
As Long As You’re Mine! Take Me As I Am!
The Next Ten Minutes! Surely you could make something fit!
(singing)
Coyotes won’t follow through, oh Sue
For content I don’t know who to go to, oh Sue
Out my window I should throw you, oh Sue
I have one to say
And that’s damn you, Sue
I’m mad at you
(Members of the CHORUS
pop their heads out of hiding while
singing the underlined refrain above. This
goes unremarked
by JANET and SHOSHANA.)
JANET
What the—?
SHOSHANA
Uh-oh.
JANET
(singing)
How I wish I were unwound and unbent
But I need some art and fics
I have got to get some content
Or Spiced Peaches I will have to nix
(speaking)
Why am I singing? You’re the poet – is this your fault?
SHOSHANA
Kinda. Sorta.
(singing)
Halloween a ghastly trick-or-treater
Dressed as witch came to my door
She got mad I had to cheat her
All out of candy, I had no more
I had none to give my little nieces
No Dove, Heath or Hershey bars
I’d run out of Reese’s pieces
M & M’s, Milky Ways,
Mounds and Mars
(speaking)
The witch told me a curse would befall me one month later. She said –
(singing)
I’m a great and powerful old witch, oh bitch
My curse on you will make you go twitch, oh bitch
You’ll wish your candy had had no glitch, oh bitch
JANET
Singing Rocky Horror tunes is the curse?
SHOSHANA
Looks like it. Or sounds like it, I suppose I mean. She said the
curse would be based on whatever I had been doing immediately
before she knocked on my door. I had been trying to write a poem
for Spiced Peaches, while switching channels on the TV, deciding
whether to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or the musical
episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I must have picked up the
we-have-to-sing-our-secret-thoughts business from Buffy, but to tunes
from Rocky. Today’s the
last day of November, so I guess the curse has hit.
JANET
I wish your hex wasn’t rubbing off on me! Halloween’s
my favorite holiday, but I’ve never been cursed by a witch before.
I’ve got enough to worry about.
(A knock at the door to the right)
JANET
(walking to the door)
Maybe it’s a Coyote, dropping off something useful for this issue.
(JANET opens the door. Standing in the doorway is McCOY,
approximately age fifty, dressed in the red, tunic-style uniform.)
JANET
(shakily, in shock)
Um, Sue . . . did your curse include the ghost of
DeForest Kelley making an appearance?
SHOSHANA
(likewise stunned)
Not to my knowledge. But
I was wishing we could meet
Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock.
JANET
So you’re scripting what’s happening?
SHOSHANA
Maybe – unconsciously.
McCOY
Don’t talk about scripts – I’m sick and tired of talking about scripts!
And ladies, please don’t faint, like J. J. Abrams did when I visited him
in Hollywood earlier today. (McCOY enters the room.) It took me
nearly ten minutes to revive him. I am not DeForest Kelley, and
I am not a ghost! I am Dr. Leonard McCoy, and I am very much alive, thank you.
(McCOY extends his right
hand to JANET.)
JANET
(Recovering some aplomb, JANET
enthusiastically shakes McCOY’s hand.)
Why, Dr. McCoy! (over her shoulder, to SHOSHANA) He’s
real!
Good thing you weren’t thinking about Klingons instead!
(addressing McCOY again) Leonard! Bones! Len! Please,
come in!
This is so exciting! Finally I get to meet you! To what do I owe the honor
of your visit? How should we address you?
McCOY
You already know so damn much about me, you might as well call me Len.
You’re Janet Sykes?
JANET
Yes. And, please, call me Janet. This is my friend, Susan Meckel.
SHOSHANA
(as McCOY
and SHOSHANA shake hands)
Please, call me Sue.
McCOY
Pleased to meet you ladies. Although I am afraid
some unpleasant business brings me here.
JANET
I don’t understand.
McCOY
Hey Janet.
JANET
Yes Len?
McCOY
I've got something to say.
JANET
Uh huh?
McCOY
I really hate the sleazy way
Your indiscreet authors and artists outré
Have chosen to put on public display –
JANET
(indignant)
My Haven is not sleazy!
SHOSHANA
(equally indignant)
And I do not write sleazy stories!
McCOY
(singing)
My imaginary love life nearly every day
(speaking,
aside)
What the hell? Why was I singing?
(singing)
Which to my deep dismay
Is sadly nonexistent by the way
(speaking, looking around the room)
What is going on? Are there musical spores around
here or something?
I didn’t have this problem when I spoke to J. J. Abrams.
JANET
(pointing to SHOSHANA)
It’s Sue’s fault. She was cursed by a
witch back on Halloween.
We have to sing what we’re thinking.
McCOY
Oh, that’s just great. Anyway, my sexual fantasies
are private, dammit!
Are all the people on your Yahoo list Vulcans, that they can read minds?
JANET
To the best of my knowledge, there are no Vulcans on my List.
McCOY
Then how the hell do they all know I love Spock?
No one’s supposed to know I even like Spock!
I’ve spent
years trying to make people think I hate him! Like
he hates me!
JANET
Len, Spock doesn’t hate you!
McCOY
Well, dislikes me, then!
(singing)
The river was deep but I swam it, Janet
My future’s with Spock so let's plan it,
Janet
So please don't tell me to can it, Janet
‘Cause I've one thing to say
and that's
Dammit, Janet, I love Spock
(speaking)
Dammit, I wish I could stop this singing business!
JANET
Len, I’d honored to help you plan your future with Spock!
Where do you want to get married? Would you like to
honeymoon on Risa? I’ll write the story up myself!
(singing)
I’d be thrilled to plan your happy nuptials
And of course the honeymoon
You will make a handsome couple
We must make a guest list very soon
McCOY
Are you crazy? Didn’t you hear what I said before? Spock can’t stand me!
All we do is argue! He doesn’t want to marry
me!
JANET
Of course you argue – it’s your way of getting attention from each other!
He loves you, Len.
McCOY
Lady, you are nuts.
(singing)
The road was long but I ran it, Janet
There's a fire in my heart
and he’s fanned it, Janet
If there's one fool for Spock then I am it, Janet
Now I've one thing to
say and that's
Dammit, Janet, I love Spock
(speaking)
Somebody make me stop singing this crap, dammit!
I’m a doctor, not a musical theater performer!
SHOSHANA
Actually, at the moment you are.
(A knock at the door to the right. JANET opens it. SPOCK, dressed in the
red uniform and of similar age to McCOY, stands at the entrance.)
JANET
Mr. Spock! Hello!
This is an honor! Please, come in!
(SPOCK enters.)
SPOCK
(to McCOY,
not giving JANET time to make introductions)
I see, Doctor, that you have preceded me here. I calculate
a ninety-nine
point seven percent probability that you are here for the same reason I am.
(to JANET) I am addressing Janet
Sykes?
JANET
Yes.
Ms. Sykes, Dr. McCoy and I have been recently sent to twenty-first
century Earth on a mission of a deeply sensitive nature. Like
my
colleague, I have been previously made aware that your egregious
online pursuits have been intentionally misleading the public about the
nature of my personal relationship with the Doctor.
McCOY
You mean our not-so-personal relationship.
SPOCK
(singing)
I am here to make an accusation:
In the Haven’s art and texts
There’s been misrepresentation
Never with this man have I had sex
McCOY
That’s true, dammit.
(SPOCK raises an eyebrow.)
McCOY
I mean, its true about our relationship being misrepresented in that
blasted Haven of hers!
SPOCK
Fascinating. I was singing just now, but not of my
own volition.
I lack sufficient data on which to base a working hypothesis
explaining this strange phenomenon.
JANET
(pointing to Shoshana)
It’s Sue’s fault, a spell put on her by a witch makes
everyone around her sing.
SPOCK
Fascinating.
SHOSHANA
Dammit, Janet, I wish you’d stop blaming me for everything!
JANET
You’re the one who got hexed, not me.
So boys – what brings you to this century?
SPOCK
The Enterprise-A brought us.
McCOY
Spock, I think she was asking why we’re here in
this century.
SPOCK
Dr. McCoy’s primary goal was to get the screenplay of Star
Trek XII changed.
SHOSHANA
Star Trek XII? It hasn’t even started production yet. Why do
you want to have the screenplay changed?
McCOY
Because the blasted movie shows Spock dumping Uhura and
T’Pring for me, that’s why!
SHOSHANA
Sounds a bit like a story I’m working on.
McCOY
It shows the two of us sleeping together, for God’s
sake!
And I don’t mean in the literal sense!
SHOSHANA
Well, that part doesn’t sound like my story.
McCOY
And they retain the storyline about us having a relationship for the
next two films! In Star Trek XIV we even get married!
(singing)
Number Twelve the two of us get bedded
How my face has burned with shame
In Fourteen then we get wedded
Those blasted scriptwriters are to blame
JANET
A sex scene? Married? That’s
wonderful!
SPOCK
The film does not show “the two of us” in bed, Doctor, nor do
“we” get married. Our characters are portrayed
by actors
Zachary Quinto and Karl Urban.
JANET
My dream come true! Explicit, canonical Spock McCoy
slash!
The original cast would have been even better . . . but I’ll take it!
McCOY
Well, you’re not going to get it!
(singing)
Our sex scene we asked to be amended
Our romance on screen we loathed
Star Trek XII left us offended
Our characters should not be unclothed
Love affair on film we have rejected
We made clear we’re not involved
Our romance now they’ve ejected
Thank God that problem has been resolved
JANET
(disappointed)
You mean you talked the filmmakers out of that storyline?
McCOY
Hell, yes! Our friends were razzing us incessantly
about it! Even Jim!
We couldn’t live with the embarrassment!
SPOCK
You found it embarrassing. I am Vulcan, and remain unperturbed by
fictionalized portrayals of myself, no matter how inaccurate or indelicate.
I was similarly undisturbed by the depiction in Star Trek
XI of my younger
self having a romantic attachment to Uhura. I am here
because Admiral
Kirk, wearying of your incessant ranting about the matter, asked me to accompany you, and because
you were convinced the filmmakers would
be intimidated by a nonhuman.
McCOY
(to JANET
and SHOSHANA)
Don’t believe him.
Spock here wasn’t
any too thrilled about that nude
scene, either. Jim told me Spock wanted to accompany
me on this mission.
SPOCK
I was concerned about the possible consequences of your frequently
irrational behavior. The last time you visited New York in a past century,
you managed to eliminate the Enterprise
and presumably the Federation.
McCOY
For God’s sake, how could I know Keeler was going to delay the
the United States’
entry into World War II? Anyway, was I right –
were the scriptwriters suitably impressed, being visited
by a real, live, green-blooded, pointed-eared alien?
SPOCK
It took a great deal of effort to persuade the three scriptwriters that I was not actually Leonard
Nimoy trying to negotiate an appearance in Star Trek XII.
They were initially more concerned about the identity of my makeup
artist and my plastic surgeon than they were about my true identity.
(singing)
All three men as Nimoy did perceive me
Lindelof was not a cinch
Orci too did not believe me
Even when I gave Kurtzman a neck pinch
(speaking)
Damon Lindelof and Roberto Orci thought Alex Kurtzman was playing
a joke on them. Vulcans, of course, do not play jokes. I convinced them
of my true identity only after showing them my green blood.
McCOY
At least they thought you were real! J. J. Abrams
and his secretary
thought I was a ghost!
(singing)
They believed me ghost of Mr. Kelley
With one look they went so white
Their legs turned to sticks of jelly
Abrams even fainted from the sight
When Abrams woke up and found out what I wanted, he kept saying
Zachary Quinto was going to be very disappointed by the change.
He agreed to my demands only after I threatened to infect him with dermatophytosis Tinea cruris.
SHOSHANA
Dr. McCoy! That’s terrible!
McCOY
Actually, it’s jock itch. And I wasn’t
going to follow through with the threat.
JANET
How do you even know about Star Trek XI?
McCOY
We come from the year 2278 in your future. Two years
ago, in our time,
the archives of Eugenia Lee Roddenberry, great-granddaughter of Gene Roddenberry, were discovered. The archives included all seven
Star Trek television series, the first ten Star Trek films, five hundred
Star Trek novels, and a massive collection of fan-created material –
all of which was previously unknown in our time.
SPOCK
Dr. McCoy is being characteristically imprecise.
McCOY
Imprecise? I’m a scientist, like you!
SPOCK
The archives contained five hundred and twenty-one novels, in addition to
two hundred sixteen nonfiction books, eight thousand three hundred and
nine nonfiction articles, thirty-nine anthologies of professional short fiction,
five thousand four hundred and eighty-seven fanzines, eight thousand three hundred and forty-four
photographs of various kinds, seven hundred and –
McCOY
(interrupting)
All right, I admit it, I was being imprecise!
SHOSHANA
You said seven series?
There have only been six.
SPOCK
In the year 2019, a seventh Star Trek television series
will be produced.
SHOSHANA
That’s great!
McCOY
No, it was lousy. It lasted only half a season.
SPOCK
Eleven episodes, to be precise. (McCOY rolls his eyes.)
The unveiling of the archives has revealed that Gene Roddenberry
was preternaturally prescient, an immensely gifted natural prophet.
The
accuracy of the original series and the animated series, as well as that of the
first film, was truly remarkable, extending even to the startling resemblance of the original cast
members to our own appearance. It is believed that the archives were lost during
the Eugenics Wars, which actually took place one hundred and two years later than Roddenberry predicted.
JANET
The discovery of those archives is wonderful! Think
of all the people whose premature deaths can now be avoided! Jim Kirk! David Marcus! Scotty’s nephew! Chancellor Gorkon! Amanda!
The planets Romulus and Vulcan need not be destroyed!
SPOCK
It is highly probable that none of those deaths would occur in the
natural future course of our timeline, since Roddenberry’s control over the content of the
franchise diminished significantly after Star Trek:
The Motion Picture. By the time Star
Trek VII was produced, he was deceased.
SHOSHANA
Len, you said the first ten films were discovered in the archives, but you
also mentioned four additional films. Those were recovered
separately?
McCOY
(grumbling)
Yes, thanks to Sulu.
JANET
Ah, so Sulu uncovered the final four films.
SPOCK
Dr. McCoy’s remark was misleading.
(McCOY throws
SPOCK a dirty look.)
Commander Sulu did not find the films. His actions
led, inadvertently, to
their creation. Following the discovery of the Star Trek archives, Commander Sulu adopted a new avocation. He developed an avid interest in the Star Trek fanfiction that
had sprung up in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.
McCOY
(singing)
Yes our friend with Star Trek was enamored
And Trek art he did collect
For more tales we knew he clamored
Any fanfiction about Star Trek
SPOCK
With the exception of Sulu, the continued survival of ancient
fanfiction dealing with our lives was a matter of indifference to those
of us who serve aboard the Enterprise. The material had not been
released to the public, and was of interest only to a small handful
of historians of popular literature.
McCOY
(grumbling)
And to Sulu, blast him.
SPOCK
Five hundred twenty-eight days ago, the Enterprise-A
was assigned to a
time-travel mission to Earth in the year 2005. On
that trip, Sulu accidentally
left behind his files of Star Trek fanfiction. Much like you, Doctor, left your communicator behind on Sigma Iotia II. (McCOY scowls.) Those files
made their way into the hands of filmmaker J. J. Abrams.
A story by
Eugenia Lee Roddenberry herself, which was not to appear on the Internet
until the year 2033, became the inspiration for the plot of Star
Trek XI.
In point of fact, the plotlines of the subsequent three Star
Trek films will be
borrowed from fanfiction left behind by Sulu six years ago in your time.
McCOY
That blunder of Sulu’s subtly changed our timeline.
Now the archives included the four final Star Trek films. And one of the scholars studying those archives became obsessed with actor Chris Pine. She’s released to the public those final four films. They’ve
become an unexpected hit in our time. Now the whole
blasted Federation is free to watch me and Spock in bed!
SPOCK
Doctor, how many times must I point out, it is our characters
who are seen in the films. Not ourselves.
JANET
(singing)
Boys, we find your tale real fascinatin’
You’ve told why we’ve heard of you
How though did you hear of Haven
We have a hunch it was from Sulu
McCOY
(with a caustic undertone)
Good guess. Sulu informed me that Janet Sykes of New York was – or
should I say, is – the single largest purveyor of Spock/McCoy slash in this era. Matter of fact, Janet, turns out that under the pseudonym Tempest you wrote the story from which the Star Trek XIV plotline about me and Spock –
(SPOCK arches
an eyebrow) – I mean, our characters getting married
will be taken six years from now.
SPOCK
Seven years, three months and two days.
McCOY
(ignoring Spock)
You mustn’t write that story!
JANET
You must be mistaken. I don’t write Spock McCoy
slash
set in the alternate timeline.
(singing)
Sorry, Len, that you do feel so harried
Can’t comply with your request
Always when I’ve made you married
The story’s been set in TOS
McCOY
(plaintively)
But you will write it, ten years from now. It will
be part of Spiced
Peaches LXVII. Please, stop embarrassing me this way!
JANET
I hope you’re right, that I’m still around writing and publishing
slash ten years from now. But I’m not sure I
really believe you
about me writing that story. Anyway, it shouldn’t
matter if I write it,
since the storyline leading up to it has already been eliminated.
SHOSHANA
Janet, you ought to sue! Abrams is going to use your story!
That’s plagiarism!
SPOCK
I am not well versed in twenty-first century American copyright law,
but it would appear logically impossible to file a lawsuit dealing
with a work which its originator had not yet created at the time
the work was copied, ethically or otherwise, by a second party.
SHOSHANA
Good point.
McCOY
Janet doesn’t need to worry about plagiarism if she never writes the
story to begin with! In fact, I want her to shut down
the Haven!
JANET
What?! I’ll do no such thing!
McCOY
Your website is the equivalent of defamation of character!
SHOSHANA
(under her breath)
The Doctor doth protest too much, methinks.
SPOCK
An allusion to Hamlet.
Act III, scene II. I recognize the allusion,
but I am uncertain I understand its use in this context.
JANET
Well, I do. Sue is right! This charade has to stop!
SHOSHANA
(Realizing what JANET
intends, SHOSHANA grabs McCOY’s
arm.)
Excuse me, gentlemen, I need to speak to Ms. Sykes in private.
(SHOSHANA
directs McCOY and SPOCK offstage through
the
Interior door located stage left. She closes the door behind them.
Throughout the conversation which follows, SHOSHANA and
JANET address each other in whispers.)
Janet, don’t do it! You could end up humiliating
Len, not to mention
break his heart! We don’t know that Spock loves
him!
JANET
Well, I know it!
SHOSHANA
All that slashy stuff having to do with the katra-holding and
the fal-tor-pan . . . it’s never happened. Probably
won’t ever
happen, if what Spock said about Roddenberry was true. Maybe
Spock is straight, and actually wants Uhura. Or maybe
he is gay,
and wants Jim! I told you when I joined the Haven
that I found the
evidence for K/S more persuasive than the evidence for S/Mc.
JANET
Maybe you think so, but I don’t! There’s
plenty of evidence just
from the original series that Spock loves Len!
SHOSHANA
Maybe Roddenberry didn’t have a hand in those scenes.
Or if he
did, maybe the scenes are misleading, or even pure fiction.
Spock
never claimed everything in TOS was historically accurate.
Roddenberry was mistaken about the timing of the Eugenics Wars.
JANET
And I could say the same thing about your supposed evidence
for K/S! Spock and Len love each other! I know it! Len’s
already admitted it, and look how snooty Spock is with him!
He’s trying to push Len away!
SHOSHANA
Or maybe he actually does dislike Len! Why hasn’t
Spock
broken out in song about loving Len, the way Len did about him?
JANET
It’s just his wall of Vulcan emotional control! And
I’m going to break it down!
SHOSHANA
Janet, please! It’s none of your business! These are real
people we’re talking about, not characters on the screen or the page!
JANET
It is my business!
I’ve haven’t been awarded the title of Most Devout
Spock/McCoyote for nothing! It’s my destiny – no, my duty – to pair up
those two men!
Why do you think fate has delivered them right to my door?
SHOSHANA
It was the witch’s curse that brought them to your
door!
I was thinking about them!
JANET
(singing)
You may think you’re writer of this story
But I see the hand of fate
This night is my time of glory
I’ll make sure Len becomes Spock’s bondmate
SHOSHANA
Even if you’re right that Spock loves Len in return,
Spock might
not be willing to admit it.
JANET
He’s had the encounter with V’Ger. If
he sings his
innermost thoughts about Len, the truth will come out. (maliciously)
And since you’re supposedly scripting all this unconsciously,
Little Miss Prissy Poet, you better the hell make sure it does come out.
SHOSHANA
My God, Janet, I have no idea if I have any control over what Spock says,
much less what he actually feels!
(singing)
How I hope you know what you are doing
But I am quite filled with doubt
I fear grief might be ensuing
I really do hope this all works out
(JANET marches to the interior
door and opens it.
SPOCK and McCOY enter.)
JANET
Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy is in love with you!
(SPOCK raises
an eyebrow.)
McCOY
(horrified)
What are you doing?!
JANET
He wants to have sex with you!
(SPOCK’s
eyebrow goes higher.)
McCOY
Are you insane?
SHOSHANA
It’s possible.
JANET
He wants to marry you! He told me himself!
(SPOCK’s
eyebrow goes even higher.)
McCOY
Now I’ll have to transfer off the Enterprise! Resign from Starfleet!
SPOCK
Dr. McCoy, is all of this true, or is it the ravings
of a deranged woman?
SHOSHANA
(under her breath)
Those choices aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
McCOY
(shamefaced, not looking at Spock)
Oh, hell . . . yes, it’s true.
SPOCK
(singing; initially tentatively, but gathering
confidence as he continues the stanza)
I admit today my great attraction
To the man that’s named McCoy
I would like to get some action
Being with him would give me such joy
(speaking)
Why am I singing my internal thoughts? This is highly
illogical behavior.
JANET
(patter singing, to tune of “You Did It”
from My Fair Lady)
Tonight my girl I did it!
I did it! I did it! I
said that I would do it,
And indeed I did. Sue thought that I would rue it;
She doubted –
SHOSHANA
Stop! That’s from the wrong musical!
That song belongs to Mary, if she wants it!
McCOY
(grinning ear to ear)
Why, Spock! I never knew you felt that way!
(singing)
Many years I’ve loved a certain Vulcan
Hearing this has made my day
Now I’ll end my useless sulkin’
Because I have learned that he is gay
Spock, I feel for you eternal fondness
Seeing you my heart goes thud
I can’t wait to enter bondness
With a brand-new husband with green blood
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker
There's three ways that love can grow
That's good,
bad or mediocre
Oh S-P-O-C-K I love you so
SPOCK
(speaking, as he accepts the ring)
It’s nicer than the one Sulu gave Chekov.
(singing)
Marriage to you is a new notion, oh, Len
But I’m so glad I’m your chosen, oh, Len
Because I return your devotion, oh, Len
I've one thing to say and that's
Len I’m keen for you too
All these years I’ve been so very lonely
Bachelor, unmarried, free
I will enter matrimony
With Leonard Horatio, MD
By you my heart has been stolen, oh, Len
For you I feel fondest emotion, oh, Len
You’re hotter than any young yeoman, oh, Len
I've one thing to say and that's
Len I love you
For you my arms will be open, oh, Len
For you make my nether parts swollen, oh, Len
For you are spiking my oxytocin, oh, Len
I've one thing to say and that's
Len I'm mad for you too . . .
SHOSHANA
Watch your mouth! This song is rated PG!
JANET
Who says?
SHOSHANA
You said I’m the one unconsciously scripting this!
I get to choose the rating!
SPOCK
(singing)
Now that we are bespoken, oh Len
My lust for you is truly molten, oh, Len
I wish you would touch my scrotum, oh Len
I’ve one thing –
SHOSHANA
You can’t say that! I told you, this filk is
rated PG!
Besides, the rhyme is inexact.
JANET
For God’s sake, don’t be such a prude! They’re singing Rocky Horror Show, after all – it’s supposed
to be dirty! Just change the header to PG-13!
And the rhyme is no worse than some in the original song. Or
some that you’ve already used.
SPOCK
The behavior I am exhibiting is excessively impulsive.
(singing)
I do find this all a bit perturbing
Now Len knows just how I feel
Such things I am used to curbing
And as a Vulcan never would reveal
JANET and SHOSHANA
Uh-oh.
SPOCK
(singing)
Let’s forget our marriage and the wedding
All these things I think I’ll skip
Sorry, Bones, but I am dreading
Any kind of real relationship
McCOY
But I want to get married, dammit! My hopes were up!
JANET
Among other things.
SHOSHANA
(shocked)
Janet!
JANET
You are such a prude. I saw you sneaking a peek, too.
SPOCK
(singing)
I confess McCoy that I am shrinking
Though it’s true of you I’m fond
I’ve had time to do some thinking
With you I won’t form a mating bond
(SPOCK returns the ring. McCOY is crushed.)
McCOY
(singing)
I see on your heart I have no lock, oh, Spock
I beg that you do not my woe mock, oh, Spock
Jilted I undergo shock, oh, Spock
I've one thing to say and that's
Spock, I’m sad about you
(singing)
Now I am so very disappointed
Mine was not a schoolboy crush
It’s goodbye to ears so pointed
Sorry if I tried to make you rush
JANET
Rush? But you’ve known each other for fifteen
years!
SPOCK
Dr. McCoy and I have known each other for only thirteen years, two months and eleven days. And we have only just discovered our mutual attraction.
McCOY
(turning
to JANET)
This is your fault! Why couldn’t you leave well
enough alone?
I was happier when I thought my feelings were unrequited!
SHOSHANA
I warned her. She wouldn’t listen.
SPOCK
(singing)
I've one thing to say and that's
McCoy I'm mad at her, too . . .
McCOY
(singing)
Oh . . . dammit!
McCOY and SPOCK
We’re mad
SPOCK
At Janet!
McCOY
Remember what I said when I first arrived?
I don’t want anyone reading my private fantasies!
SPOCK
I must agree with Dr. McCoy. The idea of my
private
thoughts being put on public display in print is discomfiting.
McCOY
(singing)
That Haven of yours, I’ve got to slam it, Janet
All your slashers had better clam it, Janet
Spiced Peaches is jarring, so can it, Janet
SPOCK
All that slash, you have to ban it, Janet
Or I’ll take your ROM and RAM it, Janet
Your Yahoo list, I’ll have to spam it Janet
There's one thing left to do, and that's
SPOCK and McCOY:
(singing)
Let’s stop the woman who
began it: Janet
And her computer, let’s examine it, Janet
We’ve confessed our love now we’re panicked, Janet
We’ve one thing to say and that’s
Dammit, Janet, we’re mad at you
JANET:
(singing)
I confess I did aid and abet it
Publishing your every thought
I hope you will soon forget it
You are both a little overwrought
SPOCK:
Please do not insult me.
JANET:
I’m sorry! I can’t stop myself from singing
what I’m thinking!
And apparently you can’t, either.
SPOCK and McCOY
(singing)
I think we’ll have to play bandit, Janet
Turn over your files, we demand it, Janet
We’ll take them far from this planet, Janet
We’ve one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet, we’re mad at you
JANET
(standing in front of the computer defensively)
You two are not touching this machine!
(singing, waving a piece of paper)
Here’s the invoice for my new computer
It stays here, you’ll have to go
You two boys could be no cuter
Still my answer is a flat out no
(speaking)
Besides –
(singing)
I contend I’m not the guilty writer
Not the one who’s made you sing
That’s Shoshana, you should fight her
It’s her neck and hard drive you should wring
SHOSHANA
What?! Hold on there!
JANET
(singing)
She’s the one you ought to hound and heckle
Author of your love professed
Also known as Susan Meckel
She composed this wordy rhyming mess
SPOCK
(addressing SHOSHANA)
You are Shoshana?
SHOSHANA
It’s the pen name I use for my fanfiction.
(singing)
For my fics “Shoshana” I’ve been usin’
It is just my nom de plume
My real name is Mary Susan
Seems I’ve contributed to your gloom
McCOY
That’s for sure! This is all your fault!
SHOSHANA
Why do I get blamed for everything?
McCOY
You wrote the storyline on which Star Trek XI was based!
The one where Spock dumps T’Pring and Uhura for me!
Sulu told us it was written by Shoshana!
SHOSHANA
You mean Abrams plagiarized me, too?! Dammit!
McCOY
You can’t write that blasted story! Look at
the misery you’ve put
Spock and me through! We want to be together, but
he won’t let us!
SPOCK and McCOY:
(singing)
You really have made us so blue, oh, Sue
Look what you’ve made us go through, oh, Sue
Our love had been known by so few, oh, Sue
JANET:
But everybody on my list knew a long time ago!
McCOY
Well, we didn’t know, and we’re the ones who count.
SHOSHANA
I’m sorry! About my curse bringing you here,
and about making you
sing your secrets, and about writing a fic I haven’t even written!
I promise I won’t finish it! But your broken
hearts aren’t all my fault!
(singing)
My fanfic writing – know who fanned it? Janet!
And the Haven – guess who ran it? Janet!
All that slash – who did demand it? Janet!
Now I’ve one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet, now I’m mad, too
So much time I’ve spent and sadly wasted
Writing all these fics and poems
Look how much I’ve cut and pasted
While creating silly slashy tomes
JANET
That’s your problem, my dear. I don’t
force anybody to write anything.
(turning
to SPOCK) Spock, you’re being silly.
SPOCK
(indignant)
Silly? Never.
JANET
Yes, silly! You love Len. Len loves you. What’s so complicated
about that? Are you going to let your Vulcan pride
stand in the way of
your mutual happiness forever? What happened to “this
simple feeling”
you talked about? Didn’t you learn anything
from V’Ger?
McCOY
She does have a point. I was there when you said that.
JANET
Think how much fun you could have with each, now that you know
you love each other! Think of all the time you’ve
wasted already!
(singing)
I’m convinced we did you boys a favor
There’s one way that love can grow
Your sweet love now you can savor
Libidos no more must you forego
SPOCK
She does speak with logic. A life of non-celibacy
does have its attractions.
(singing)
We’ve wasted years the stars a roamin’, oh, Len
But now I want to make a home and, oh, Len
Let’s get started before we’re ol’ men, oh, Len
McCOY
Aw, Spock! You’ve picked up my Southern drawl! I’m touched!
SHOSHANA
Actually, the “ng” and “d” were dropped for rhyming purposes.
McCOY
(singing)
Let’s be in bed by nine o’clock, oh, Spock
You’ll have fun with your very own Doc, oh, Spock
I’m ready already, let’s go cock, oh, Spock
SHOSHANA
Len! Watch your mouth!
SPOCK
I do not believe that’s precisely what he plans to do with that
portion of his anatomy.
(singing)
It’s a good idea so let’s get rollin’, oh, Len
I’ll make sure to prepare my colon, oh, Len –
SHOSHANA
(speaking)
No! No! Stop! You can’t sing that in a PG song!
SPOCK
(singing)
We’ve one thing to say and that's
McCOY
(singing)
Dammit, Janet
McCOY and SPOCK
(singing)
We thank you!
McCOY
Ladies, except for the singing, and the temporary heartbreak,
this has been fun, but it’s about time we left.
JANET
But boys, before you leave – since you’re here in the past to correct an
error in Star Trek XII, why don’t you go back
to Hollywood? Now
that you two are a couple, go back to the filmmakers, tell them you’ve changed your minds. It would save them the time and trouble and expense of revising the script.
(singing)
I am pleased to say that you are welcome
Everything has turned out great
I hope now that you will tell them
McCoy and Spock are each other’s mate
SHOSHANA
They’d be welcome to use my story that I haven’t even finished writing!
(SPOCK and McCOY look at each other)
SPOCK
Complying with your request will not be possible.
McCOY
We don’t have time to go back to Hollywood. Jim’s going to be beaming
us up in about ten minutes.
SPOCK
As is typical for a human, Leonard’s time sense is imprecise.
We will be returning to the Enterprise
in ten point two seconds.
McCOY
You pointy-eared computer, what are you talking about?
It’s not twenty-three-hundred hours yet.
JANET
Can’t you stay? We –
(SPOCK and
McCOY disappear in the sparkle of a transporter beam.)
SHOSHANA
Dammit, Janet. Star
Trek XII, XIII and XIV were supposed to have
Spock McCoy slash content. Created by us!
JANET
And now we’re not going to get it, dammit.
JANET
(singing)
Wish we could have had a Star Trek movie
With those two paired up at last
That would have been really groovy
To see our boys up on screen and slashed
SHOSHANA
(singing)
Slashy Trek on film, our boys annulled it
They have changed reel history
Jump through time, now that’s the culprit
Of temporal paradox mystery
JANET and SHOSHANA
(singing)
We have changed a thing much more important
Revving up real Spock McCoy
Far too long their love was dormant
Now they’ll live in harmony and joy
(JANET and SHOSHANA look at each other)
JANET
Harmony? Those two?
SHOSHANA
You’re right. It should have been “happiness
and joy.”
JANET and SHOSHANA
(singing)
All Coyotes soon will be elated
When Ms. Sykes has spread the word
Len and Spock are truly mated
Best news in a while that we have heard
SHOSHANA
I’ll go home and write up our visit from the boys!
And a fic – no, a musical! – no, an opera! – about NUSpock
dumping T’Pring and Uhura for Bones!
JANET
You promised Len you wouldn’t finish that story!
SHOSHANA
(in a wheedling, conspiratorial tone)
Janet – if I don’t write that fic, it won’t be around for Roddenberry’s
great-granddaughter to collect, or for Sulu to misplace six years ago so
that Abrams can find and steal it. A slashy Star Trek XII won’t ever get
made, and the boys will never go back in time. You’ll
never have the thrill
of meeting them, or of playing matchmaker to them. They’ll
live out their
days, not knowing they love each other.
JANET
(a brief moment of hesitation, then, decisively )
You’re right. Make sure you finish that fic.
SHOSHANA
I’ll even include a sex scene! (pauses) On second thought, maybe not.
JANET
Sue, please get out of here. (JANET points to her computer screen.)
I need to check my email to see if I have any last minute submissions
for Spiced Peaches XXVII.
SHOSHANA
(standing at the door)
I hope the Coyotes inundate you with masses of Spiced Peaches
material, more than you ever hoped for!
(SHOSHANA
exits through the door. JANET turns
back to her computer.)
CURTAIN CLOSES
(The CHORUS
enters the apron, singing)
CHORUS
(singing)
(tune: “Science
Fiction – Double Feature”)
Bones was crazy ‘bout Spock the Vulcan fell for Doc
Neither knowing the other’s thought
To change film if they could they went to Hollywood
They succeeded in what they had sought
Secret feelings they hid with tight grip on the lid
They objected to movie love scene
Their hearts’ desire portrayed had left them both dismayed
They said don’t make us slashed onscreen
Science Fiction – Double Feature
Vulcan love for human creature
Both keeping private his own secret
They shrank from viewing a movie shriek it
Oh-oh at the late night, double feature, picture show
To New York they did go to Janet
spilling woe
About Haven’s slashy fics
Having journeyed through time they had to sing in rhyme
In sci-fi-fantasy-musical mix
They traveled long miles but Sykes guarded her files
She insisted the boys learn the truth
Between head Coyote and Shoshana’s poetry
The boys heard the musical proof
Science Fiction – Double Feature
Slashers cheer the boys did reach her
See Spock and Leonard gayly mated
Their love by Janet was orchestrated
Oh-oh in the late night, double feature picture show
I want to go
Oh-oh to the late night, double feature, picture show
The CHORUS
exits the apron
EPILOGUE
JANET
(behind the curtain, an inarticulate scream
of terror; then, speaking )
NOOO!! Help! Shoshana –
CURTAIN
OPENS
SCENE: JANET is standing on her computer table, backed up against the wall, trying to keep away from the CHORUS, as its members slowly approach her in a stealthily threatening manner. Some
COYOTES carry extra-jumbo-sized jars marked
“Spiced Peaches”; others wave extra-jumbo-sized sheets of printed paper, or extra-jumbo-sized representations
of Spock and/or McCoy.)
JANET
– what have you done!?
CHORUS
(singing)
Science Fiction – Double Feature
We Coyotes will Spice n’ Peach her
We’re terminating Janet’s worries
We’re flooding Sykes with great art and stories
Oh-oh at the late night, double feature picture show
I want to go
Oh-oh to the late night, double feature, picture show
JANET
When does this curse end?! Mr. Spock! –
CURTAIN CLOSES
JANET
(speaking, unseen behind the Curtain)
– Dr. McCoy! Come back! Bring your phasers! Please, somebody help me!
(a pause)
No! Not my new computer!
(sound of a crash)
Aaaahhhh!
