The Second Time

Title:The Second Time
Author: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Star Trek the original series
Disclaimer: the show and its characters are Paramount's, no
infringement intended. No profit being made.
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Rating: G

My love,

The first time I saw you I was struck speechless. Not because I
thought you were gorgeous nor sexy, even though you are both. Not
out of surprise to see you, a Vulcan on board, nor was it out of
fear of the unknown. No, the thing that made me stop and stare was
your complete and utter severity.

You were standing by your post, if memory serves me correctly, face
so expressionless and yet so forbidding. As if you were hard at work
putting as many shields around you as you could. I immediately got
the sense that these shields were not erected out of a need to
protect yourself and yet why else would you put up shields? Your
very severity, your forbidding shields made me intensely curious
about you. I was seized by a need to poke at you to see if I could
get beyond those shields.

The second time I saw you, we argued. You advocating the need to
rely on logic and severe control of one's emotions, me trying to
point out the value of intuition and taking into account not only
your emotions, but emotions of those around you as well. Like all
the arguments we've had since, it turned out we were both right. As
we argued back and forth on logic, intuition and a host of other
things, well you became so focused on presenting your argument that
your shields flickered for a moment and I saw a glimpse of your soul
for the first time.

I am still awed by that first - the first time I glimpsed your soul.
So much complexity, vibrancy and strength swirling around a core of
integrity within you that I was astounded. So many different facets
of you twirling about the core in a maelstrom, the fierceness of the
storm kept under a tight rein by you. It was amazing, glorious, and
so breath catching that I tumbled head over heals in love with you
right then and there.

The second time I glimpsed your soul, it was in pain. The way your
eyes cried out to me, trying to find solace had me wanting to carry
you off in my arms and keep you safe within them forever. Heck, I
still feel that way and always will. However, I knew then that you
have this deep need to stand on your own two feet in the face of the
devil himself, if need be, and I know you still have that need now.
A deep, endless desire to show you can stand up for yourself and
care for yourself. A fierce ache within you to prove yourself to
yourself - an ache I sometimes think you have because you think you
aren't quite enough of something. Not quite Vulcan enough, not quite
enough of a leader, not quite as dedicated to science and logic as
you think you should be, just not quite enough.

I will always be puzzled and confused by this, for you are more than
quite enough. You are amazing in my eyes. You have a vibrant and
powerful soul and I am glad to bask in your presence as often as is

The first time we kissed was a bit, well, not quite awkward, more
prosaic. That first kiss was prosaic in the sense of being very
straightforward, very matter-of-fact. Very businesslike, as if
wanting to get it done and out of the way. Nothing to write home

Now, the romantics among us would say that the first kiss with the
right person for you is magical and electric, something that makes
you know this is the right choice for you. But, with both of us
being so contrary and stubborn it wasn't our first kiss that made me
know we were right for each other. No, it was our second. The way
you slowly savored my lips, licking along the bottom lip and then
dipping your tongue briefly into my mouth ... I still melt when I
remember it. How it made my knees weak, my brain turn to mush and my
heart flutter faster than a hummingbird's wings. I knew with that
kiss that I wanted to be with you for an eternity.

The first time we went on a date was a disaster. You know, it still
amuses me we had quite a few kisses before we went on a date of any
kind. Guess we're odd that way. Anyway, I'm sure you remember it,
walking together to the mess hall and you arranging for a candlelit
supper. The candle toppling onto the tablecloth and setting it on
fire. Chekov throwing the first liquid he saw onto the fire and it,
unfortunately being Vodka. Then when the fire was actually out, our
food drenched in Vodka, fire repellent and inedible. The fact that
all that was the better part of that night, maybe others would take
that as a bad sign and figure maybe we shouldn't try again, but
thankfully you and I are contrary.

The second time we went on a date was wonderful. No candlelit
dinner, come to think of it we've never had another candlelit
dinner. We just went to a normal table in the mess hall, ate
together, flirted, walked to an observation lounge together and got
in some serious petting. Touching each other everywhere but the most
interesting places, kissing and savoring each other more than we had
savored our meal. You walking me home and joining me in my bed,
insisting on just holding me all night. Well, it was magical.

The first time we married was wonderful, nerve wracking and chaotic.
We were on board Enterprise, far from Earth at the tail end of the
first 5-year mission we were on together. I remember shaking in my
boots, trying to loosen the collar of the dress uniform I was
wearing and being so happy I thought I would burst. There you were,
in your dress uniform; looking so darn sexy I wanted to have my way
with you right there and then, but somehow restrained myself. You
with Chekov as best man, since Jim was performing the ceremony and
me with Scotty as my best man. I know we asked Jim to do a mix of
human and Vulcan traditions in the ceremony, but for the life of me
I can't remember what he said. All I know is how happy I was when we
kissed for the first time as man and husband. And how my soul
started to dance with joy the second time we kissed as man and

I thought my soul would always dance with joy as I had you and your
love for me, my love for you.

Then, oh God, then...

The first time you died, oh God how I thought I would die too. A big
ole empty hole where you used to be. I felt as if a vacuum had
sucked all the joy out of me. As if my soul imploded and my heart
was breached to space. For awhile I thought I wouldn't survive your
death and then I started to feel vague hints of you. Then I
could `feel' your presence in my mind again, I could hear you, but I
couldn't see you anywhere, I couldn't touch you and I knew you were
dead. I thought I was going crazy and in a way I was, as I just
couldn't bear the weight of your katra in your mind especially as I
had no idea what it was at the time.

I won't ever survive a second death from you, so, I'll say again
that if you ever die on me again, I'll kill you. And I mean that
with all my love, from the bottom of my heart.

The only thing that saved my sanity was learning just why it was I
kept being able to `feel' you and hear you even though you were
dead. And I had to hear that from Jim. Getting your katraless body
back sure was an experience and a half.

Then after your body and katra were rejoined and the healers worked
with you awhile on getting mind, body and katra to work together,
they brought you back to us. The first time I saw you after the
ceremony, I saw no glimmer of recognition. No knowledge of what we
once were together and I died a little inside. Sure, you started to
show a bit of recognition and when you went to Jim and said, "You're
name is Jim" I joined the celebration, but there was still a part of
me wondering if you'd ever remember just what you and I were to each

The second time I saw you after your re-birth, you came right up to
me, love shining from those endless eyes of yours. A tiny hint of
regret and sorrow in there and yet a bare hint of a smile on your
lips. "T'Hyla" was the only thing you said then, but it was enough.
I knew that we would regain what we had with each other, rebuild
what we had from the rubble left over from your death and that we
would find strength in each other again. And in time we did, much
longer than I had hoped, but when we got it all back together, the
fact it had taken quite a while to do so, made our reunion so much

The second time we married, about a year after we moved George and
Gracie a few hundred years in time, well, it was even more magical
than the first. I don't know how we managed to surpass the first
wedding, but we did. Admiral Martin performing the ceremony, Jim by
your side, Scotty by mine, you in that Vulcan robe of yours that
brings out your eyes and me in that blue-grey suit of mine that you
like. There was a lot that made it even more special for me, one
thing being how blessed I felt to have gotten you back from the
dead, literally, and had a second chance to have a life full of love
for you and from you.

That and my daughter and her two sons being there, your parents also
there, and it being outside my old family home among the magnolia
blossoms, well it was perfect. We kissed and then we spent time with
both blood family and our Enterprise family. We talked, danced, ate
and just held each other at the reception afterward. It was perfect.

Today is the second anniversary of the second time we got married. I
love you with my whole heart, soul and mind and always will. Your
love has fulfilled me in ways I can never quite put words to. You
have made me a better person, a better husband, a better doctor,
than I ever thought I could be. You are my heart, my soul, my reason
for being and I rejoice that we're still together after so many
years. I look forward to sharing the rest of my life with you, its
ups and downs and its `hell, I have no idea which side is up'
periods. I know you're the right person for me and am so glad we
found each other both the first time and the second.

So, to you, my husband, my love, I say again, I will treasure each
day that we are together. I will love you for a lifetime, every
precious second.