Translucent Skin

by Qzeebrella,

AOS fic (that is if AOS is the abbreviation for the Star Trek, Chris Pine movie)

PG

Disclaimer: I make no money. Paramount/Viacom, and JJAbrams own all.

I can never return to my childhood home for it does not exist anymore.
It was torn asunder in just moments, an incalculable disaster. Over a
billion dead, a civilization lost, priceless artifacts and millennial
old architecture reduced to microscopic atoms, the second largest
library in the galaxy destroyed, and yet it was my mother I mourned
the most.

I came so close to getting her to safety and I lost her. One moment
she was alive and the next just a memory. She was the one person who
accepted me unconditionally and I shall always miss her. There will
always be a part of me that mourns her and I am determined to always
remember her.

The loss of her is inextricably connected with the loss of Vulcan in
my mind and though it may be illogical, her death and the destruction
of the planet Vulcan are equal in my mind. She meant that much to me.
It was her that made Vulcan home to me, that made the planet precious
to me, and without her I had no home.

My heart felt as if it had been torn asunder too and yet I could not
show it, could not express it for I was Vulcan and dedicated to
Surak's philosophy of "mastering your passion so that your actions are
ruled by logic and reason, not emotion." Besides I thought that if I
let go, if I let myself express my grief, that I would be destroyed -
especially since my mother was no longer there to catch me. I felt I
had to severely control my emotions and live only by Surak's
philosophies in order to survive. That it was vital for me to do so
even though all the scrolls he had ever written and all that he had
left behind had been lost with Vulcan's destruction.

I knew that all that was left of his teachings were computer records,
electronic books, and the survivors. Those who had been evacuated from
Vulcan and those on the colony planets. Yet as one of only a few
million Vulcans left, I felt a responsibility to live as a Vulcan, to
live by logic and reason, and to adhere as closely as I could to
Surak's philosophies. So I buried my grief inside and I was determined
never to let it out, knowing that I could hide it for I was confident
that no one cared enough about me to dig up the truth. I believed
that the only person who had ever, and could ever, just look into my
eyes and see the emotions I was hiding had died. That with my mother
gone, no one would see the grief in my eyes.

I was wrong. You had barely met me. We had spent perhaps an hour in
each others company due to our various duties on the Enterprise and
yet you saw right through me. "Look you green blooded hobgoblin, you
can hide from yourself and you can hide from Nyota but you can't hide
from me."

I tried to pretend that I did not know what you were talking about but
you did not let me get away with it. You hounded me wherever I went
and did your best to get me talking about Vulcan and my mother. I
tried to push you away and managed only to push Nyota away. I tried to
ignore you and it was like trying to ignore a pet Sehlat that had not
seen you in days - complete with hurt filled eyes, slumped shoulders,
and persistent attempts to be physically close and thus harder to
ignore. I tried to shut you out by strengthening the walls I used to
keep people out and you chipped away at them until there was nothing
left.

There came a time in which I could not hide anymore and could not bury
my emotions any more. You were there for me and made sure I got the
privacy I needed, the support I denied needing. You were there as I
cried. You helped me express my rage at what had happened. You
understood why my mother's death effected me as much, or more than,
the destruction of my world and understood the guilt I felt because of
that. You helped me to accept that healing was possible, acceptable,
and necessary. You helped me to find a home in myself and by doing so
you became the one person I knew that I would never be able to hide
from again. You helped me find the strength in myself to mourn all
that had been lost and the strength to acknowledge that live moved on.

You helped me to see that I must live my life the way I always had
while, at the same time, acknowledging my loss.

You also became the one person that I did not want to hide from. For
you saw all of me and accepted me for all that I was. A Vulcan
dedicated to logic and reason, committed to following Surak’s
philosophies, and yet effected by emotion. You helped me to see that it
was logical to continue serving Starfleet, to continue learning and
exploring, to continue making my own path as that was the only way I
could remain true to myself. By not letting me hide, you helped me to
find an inner strength I did not know I had and you became a true
friend. Someone I knew would always be there for me, would always help
me when I needed it, and always make sure I knew that you would always
see straight through me to the person I truly was. For this reason I
am thankful that you saw through me, that you did not let me hide,
that you turned me into a friend just by being yourself - stubborn,
irascible, kind and everything else that makes you, you. It is my
honour to call you friend and a privilege to be considered yours.