Title: Words Unspoken – Part I
Part I can be read as a stand-alone story.
Summary: Variation on All Our Yesterdays, with a few lines lifted
directly from that episode. Back on the
sexual encounter on Sarpeidon, McCoy seeks out Spock.
not thrilled about what happened. Dialogue/interior
(Spock POV) 6500 words
Rating: mild R for vulgar language referring to, but not depicting,
m/m sexual acts. Profanity.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Not a molecule, atom, quark
or vibrating string of it.
have come to my quarters, as I knew you would, although I had
would not be so. You cross the threshold of my room thirty-
six two hours after we returned together through the time
on Sarpeidon. Forty hours, five thousand years, since we
a different boundary, together.
I had expected
you earlier. Perhaps you were occupied with your
duties. Or did you think I would seek you out?
you, assiduously, since our return to the ship.
not seem to have noticed.
now you stand before me, with the slouch which belies
natural grace and your restless energy, not to mention
service in a military setting; only one of your numerous
fills the air, for you have interrupted my evening
Unbidden, you take a seat in the room’s sole chair.
experience I know that means you do not anticipate a
brief visit. The bed is in your direct line of sight; in the small
of the cabin, that is unavoidable. I wish to avoid sitting
bed, as I will sometimes do during visits from Jim, or your
and so I remain standing.
courtesy compels me to offer you a beverage, and you take
with honey and lemon. Whether as a consequence of the
high temperature or from nervousness, your brow is
with sweat. I remember the taste of that sweat, warm and
my mouth in the coolness of Zarabeth’s cave. I push the
aside. I consider instructing the environmental controls to
ambient temperature, but surmising that the room’s heat
an extended visit, decide against doing so.
we need to talk about what happened on Sarpeidon.
I want to thank you for staying with me when I was
freezing. You saved my life.”
Southern courtesy compel you to begin by offering this
of gratitude, when we both know you want to talk of
other matters? You look wary as you say the words; do you fear
rebuff the gesture, the way I did in the Roman prison cell?
are welcome. Had I abandoned you, as you urged me to,
have been stranded in the planet’s past, unable to return
Enterprise and the present.”
you reply. “Just like the two of us and three other people
be dead, if I had left you under that rock on Taurus II,
expression indicates you derive an obscure satisfaction
this out, as if you have scored some persuasive point
in a debate
in which I was unaware we were engaged. Accepting
to engage in argumentation, even though I fail to
your logic in postponing the actual purpose of your visit,
Scott might also have taken the only logical course of action
jettisoned the fuel.”
would never have come up with that crazy move in time.”
and somewhat illogically, you change the subject. “I
logged my report on our unexpected expedition to the Ice
Age. I gather that in yours you mentioned your loss of emotional
is correct. I deemed it necessary to report, because if
scientists ever fully master time travel, it will be
for Vulcans to be aware of the behavioral regression I
while in the distant past. I did not, however, divulge
details of my behavior.” In my account I had withheld the
fact of my assault on you, a fellow officer and friend. On
record elsewhere are several embarrassing incidents in which
assaulted Captain Kirk while similarly under the influence of
or external pychoactive agent, but the sexual nature
occurred on Sarpeidon makes the episode especially
“I trust you will not be sharing those details in
me, I won’t! But Jim’s figured out I didn’t tear my shirt on
the way I claimed when we first got back. In fact, he’s figured
must have done it. He had noticed when we returned to the
wasn’t cut up or bruised. At least,” you add ruefully, as you
neck and right arm, “not where the shirt was torn.”
my alarm. Surely you did not discuss with the Captain the
of my ripping your clothing, or what followed? “The
as usual, is astute.”
said to me, and I quote, ‘That must have been one hell of an
to make you and Spock come to blows.’” You smirk as you
asked how I managed to escape more unscathed than he has
tussles with you. Tussle? Hah! If only he knew!”
much prefer that the Captain remained in ignorance of the
of our “tussle.”
told him, what, you think I can’t hold my own in a fight? And
‘Against Spock? Not a chance. Not
unless the two
are engaged in a battle of words.’”
Captain is less astute than I believed, if he thinks you my equal
equal?” you snort. “Jim meant I’m better than you.”
your legs and easing back in the chair, you say, laughing,
ventured a guess that I must have kicked you in the balls. I had
a tough time keeping a straight face!”
You drink some tea, and when you set the cup down on the desk,
your face and voice are serious. “Spock, I know that you’ve got to be
embarrassed by what happened in that cave. Jim’s aware
some sort of physical confrontation, but I deflected his
he said it’s obvious we don’t want to talk about it. It
go in my report, and you don’t have to worry about any
you for your discretion in this matter.”
a doctor. I know how to be discreet.”
my head in silent assent.
restlessly in the chair, as if uncomfortable. You pick up
and the ice rattles gently as you swirl the liquid. You
at the amber liquid, take a single swallow, then again
drink down on the desk. “Spock—when
inhibitions—” Seldom at a loss
for words, you are clearly ill at ease.
you lick your lips, and I think about those lips on my
licking, nibbling, kissing; incoherent hot imaginings in
dark no longer, but concrete details now seared into my
memory. I should not dwell on the images, but it is difficult not to
when at any moment I expect you to advert to the sexual
in which we engaged on Sarpeidon.
words surprise me.
said you didn’t like my—comments—teasing—about you being
and you weren’t sure you ever had,” you say, flushing. “I
think they bothered you. Not to the point of anger, anyway.
I swear I never meant to offend you.”
McCoy. Put your mind at ease. You
need not be concerned
are hurting my feelings’ when you make such comments.
me no injury; recall the ancient Terran adage. You do not
array of epithets with which you refer to me is at times
but I have long understood, and now understand even
that your intentions are not malicious. And for you to stop
now would raise questions among our colleagues that
I do not
lightens, and I do not know whether I feel relief or
that I can offer you comfort in such an inconsequential
when I anticipate that I will hurt you deeply by the end of
real glad to know that. Main thing, though, is we need to
our sexual encounter.”
I had wondered
how you would refer to the physical intimacies in
engaged. Prudish by neither temperament nor virtue of
training, you have nonetheless chosen a carefully
term. “Engaging in mutual fellatio” would be more precise,
you wish to avoid its clinical air. Surely you are
could never be shocked by verbal obscenities; do you
believe I might be unfamiliar with any of the vulgar
so widely, and illogically, employed by speakers of
for you what we did was lovemaking.
not let you know that it was for me, as well.
had assumed that was the reason for your visit. I apologize for
forced myself upon you. I took advantage, both mentally
of your debilitated condition.”
got to admit, I don’t much like the idea of anyone tapping
of my skull without permission, but it’s not like you
a mind meld on me. I didn’t even realize you had read
until you told me. And you couldn’t help doing it. You’re
touch telepath, who had lost not only your inhibitions but
training in mental shielding.”
into my behavior surprises me. Even more surprising
intellectual understanding you demonstrate, however, is
acceptance of my use on you of my telepathic
abilities. While your mind was open to me on Sarpeidon, I received
revelation that my other self, the Spock of the parallel
forced a mind meld upon you. I sensed the memory during
panic after I ripped your clothing. Apparently
for reasons of your own, foregone the pharmacological
that can erase not objective memories, but rather
debilitating emotions commonly associated with
experiences. After that assault, in addition to other
violations you have experienced, I would expect you to be
upset that I had read your mind, however unobtrusively.
are correct: five thousand years ago, Vulcan culture had not
the mental techniques which now discipline our natural
abilities. Probably I could not have shielded myself from
even if I had attempted to do so.” Although I do
you, I am convinced that touching you while you were
accelerated the atavistic process I was undergoing;
my awareness of the sexual fantasy you experienced while
directly incited my assault on you. “My action was,
an unwarranted invasion of your privacy, for which
accepted. As for the tussle that you reading my mind lead
I’m not looking for any apologies there. In case you didn’t
I was a willing participant.” You grin, and I am reminded of
you gave me in the cave after you first kissed me.
“Some folks might claim I took sexual advantage of you.
exactly in your right mind just then.”
already established that fact, Doctor. Must you keep
me of it?
initiated the contact, and you could not have fought me off even
had attempted to do so.” As, very briefly, you did attempt.
blame lies with me.”
prefer the word ‘responsibility’ rather than ‘blame.’ Like
a cooperative venture.” You smile again, and sip your tea.
sexually assaulted you. I was attempting to rape you.”
you say gently, “point is, you didn’t rape me. What
between us was consensual. God knows you took me by
and you were plenty rough when you grabbed me. But you
as soon as I objected. You said you didn’t want to hurt me.”
You pause. “You looked damned upset with yourself when you let
go of me,
actually. And I’m the one who started things back up.”
I am silent,
as I recall our verbal exchange before you walked
into my arms and kissed me. Having seen and heard and
your panic, in addition to having sensed it telepathically,
ripped your clothing, I had released you from my predatory
grip. I stood before you, in a turmoil of shame and confusion and
frustration. You had just deduced that I was reverting to the
of my distant ancestors.
“I've lost myself. I
don’t know who I am. It is not my intent to
“I’d be happy for you to fuck me another time, Spock, just not right
now! I could get hurt.”
“I would not intentionally hurt you, Leonard. My
desire is to
“There are other ways we could have sex, that I’d be willing to do.
Here and now, I mean.
“Show me, then, what to do. Tell me what
jealousy was misplaced,” you continue. “Sure, Zarabeth was
and I was flirting back, I suppose. But she wouldn’t have
chance with me, not once I knew you were interested.
And I was
jealous, too. She was coming on to both of us.
wonder, as lonely as she was. It’s a shame she couldn’t
with us.” You shake your head as you say ruminatively,
a terrible way to have to live out one’s life.”
her assistance, we would not have survived.” I do not
more immediate thought: I am relieved that Zarabeth
to return with us to the Enterprise. She had discovered
and in an embrace, moments after I had offered to
“Of course, neither of us would be sitting here, if I had
to what she told us about us not being able to get back.
Zarabeth was on the Enterprise, there’d be a witness
been partners in crime.”
I am startled
by how your comment echoes my own thought.
alive, am I glad she didn’t walk in on us a few minutes
earlier—it was awkward enough as it was!” You drain
the last of your
say, “But both of us ought to be glad I was a cooperative
and that you remained rational enough to listen to me.
I might have been injured, and you facing assault
charges. Or at least some very awkward questions.”
“Indeed.” And why are you here, if not to harass me with your
of “awkward” questions? I do not offer, as I normally
to refill your beverage. “If you are not here for an apology,
what are you here for?”
admitted in the cave you were physically attracted to me
we traveled back in time. Were you previously aware I was
to you?” The answer, I can tell, matters to you.
“No. Always before when we have touched, I have shielded myself.
I mind melded with you, I had been careful to avoid
personal thoughts. I did not know that you were
attracted to me, or to any male.”
Captain, I wonder, know or guess your sexual proclivities?
your private life so guarded. No, I had not known, although
after Yeoman Barrows left the Enterprise I overheard a pair
crew members discussing a rumor you were bisexual. I
the allegation, for even if true it would change nothing
times you have examined me in the intimate yet
objective way of a physician with a patient, and not
word or glance or touch have you given the slightest
that you burned for me, as I have burned for you.
your own mental disciplines and shields, it seems,
yourself from your emotions; yet another of your
on Sarpeidon you couldn’t shield yourself. So now you
feel more than just a physical attraction towards you.”
to the bulkhead on which my firepot sits, smoke tendrils
from it into the air, and I wait. Wait for words I long to hear,
will be an agony for me to hear. Words you never uttered
Sarpeidon, but which echoed in your mind, as gentle as a
and as raw as a wound, as we lay together on a fur blanket
rocky floor of a barren cave, fifty centuries in the past.
love you, Spock.”
does it cost you, Leonard, to say those words aloud?
you something, I am sure, for you do not easily share of
and you are uncertain what my response will be. After
other Spock did to you—after what I tried to do to you—I
that you can speak them at all.
out to the wafting white vapors, clasping my fingers as if
the insubstantial, ever-changing whorls and strands.
to the slight movement the white trail disperses
then settles into a new path. Within the belly of
the incense burns, its spark silent and unseen.
knows how much I want you,” you say, adding, sardonic
“Though God only knows why I want you.”
am startled at how closely your thoughts parallel my own.
I do. I’ve been in love with you for years, Spock.”
the firepot, and pour clean sand from my family’s property,
and sent to me by my mother, onto the cone of incense,
much the uttering of those words has cost you, I dare
is less than the hearing of them costs me. And surely less
it will cost me to give my carefully formulated reply.
I turn away from the firepot and face you, my hands
behind my back. With stiff politeness I say, “Dr. McCoy,
return your feelings in the manner you would wish.” The
but an intentionally deceptive one. I do not say, “I do not love
nor do I say, “I do not return your feelings.” For those would
felt shame when I feel friendship for Jim; how much greater
is my shame
when I feel lust, and yes, love, for you? If I allow you to
concede the truth, you will be stripping me of my Vulcan
as surely as you stripped me of my clothing in that ancient
my father took a human mate, but the road my parents
together has, I know, not been an easy one for either,
I know them to be content. I do not wish to walk that path,
I make you travel it with me. For my entire life I have
and struggled, to master my emotions, to live by logic. Not
you will I alter that course.
I say, “I cannot.” Not as in I
do not, but instead as in I must
you do not perceive the subtle difference.
Sarpeidon you offered to bond with me. You were jealous of
You school your voice, but your control is of course
to that of a Vulcan, and I hear the disappointment. You
for, possibly expected, a different response.
you have yourself pointed out, Dr. McCoy, I was not ‘in my
at that moment.”
said just now you don’t return my feelings. So what was
in that cave? You were overcome with lust?”
“Yes.” Again the truth, albeit a deceptively incomplete one.
than the embarrassing acknowledgment of my physical
is the implicit denial of my love for you.
sexual attraction plus friendship can grow into love.”
again are wary; do you fear I will deny the friendship which
openly acknowledged by either of us?
you torment us both in this manner?
assure you that in my case there is no possibility of that
any time in the future.”
not occur in the future because it has happened long since.
and give a wry smile. “Well, I guess I should’ve known
than to expect a computer could love me back.”
it lightly, to hide your hurt, but I wonder: is it me or
Leonard, whom you mean to disparage with that remark?
your eyes focus beyond me, undoubtedly on the empty
bed. You seem to be struggling with a decision, then your eyes
to mine. “I have a proposition for you.
I’d like for us to
a sexual relationship.”
I had estimated
a ninety-eight point seven two percent chance that
the ultimate goal of your visit, but I had hoped that the
conversation would deter you from pursuing it.
a disapproving eyebrow. “It is not possible for such a
‘to continue,’ Dr. McCoy, because one does not
exist. You should view what happened on Sarpeidon as
I do, as
an isolated, unintended accident, never to be repeated.”
relationship needn’t be exclusive. Not unless you want it
is irrelevant. I do not intend to enter a sexual
admitted you’re attracted to me. And the feeling’s
hand moves in the air as you say that, and I remember
of your hands, at once generous and demanding, as they
I say, “you do not think that a reciprocal sexual attraction
acted upon merely because it exists.”
course not. Sometimes there are perfectly good reasons for
not to get involved. I just don’t see what the problem would
be in our
is out of the question. You are my physician.
I am your ranking
officer. Either reason makes a personal relationship between us
are excuses, not reasons,” you rejoin. “M’Benga could
your physician. And you know as well as I do that Starfleet
condones fraternization among fellow officers, even those
of command, as long as it doesn’t result in favoritism.
cooped up together out here for five years, for God’s sake.
sure you of all people could control your emotions enough
sexual relationship wouldn’t interfere with your professional
duties. Especially since there wouldn’t be emotional ties on your
my unwillingness while on Sarpeidon to leave your side
risking my own fate and the Captain’s) not merely while
in immediate danger of dying, but even when you were
and safe in the solicitous care of Zarabeth.
I was not,
of course, in full control of myself at that time.
too, my difficulty in retaining emotional control various
when you have been endangered, most recently when I
to be dying on Yonada and Minara II. Those experiences
in my reaching the decision to go to Gol when this
you make the same claim for yourself?” I ask. “You do not excel
dryly, “I hid my feelings from you and everybody else on
for almost three years. I’d manage.”
have kept secret your mental assault,
believe that it is widely held among responsible humans that it is
to enter into a sexual relationship if the respective emotional
of the prospective partners is radically disparate.”
The crooked smile reappears. “I see what you getting
I’ve never heard it put quite that way. I’d know
what I was getting
into—” you pause, and the crooked smile suddenly transforms into a
salacious grin, “—in a matter of speaking. Human
males, and plenty
of human females, for that matter, are typically quite willing to
engage in sex simply for the sake of, well, sex. And if what
happened in that cave is any indication, so are Vulcans.”
I envision throwing you down on the bed and taking you.
“I must again remind you that my behavior at that time was atypical.
Also, I assume that you would prefer what is referred to as a
‘committed relationship’ to the type of arrangement you are
You shrug. “Sure, if that were an option. You’ve
made clear enough
in the cards.”
I wish to make clear, Dr. McCoy, is that I have no intention
your ‘proposition’ under any terms.”
silent for three point nine seconds before saying, “Spock,
don’t have the right to ask, but are you in love with Jim?”
startles me; it had never occurred to me that you
I have a romantic attachment to another individual.
“No. I esteem the Captain as comrade, brother and friend. I
him as lover.”
expect you to be relieved, but you evince only mild surprise.
do not take my rejection personally, Doctor. I would choose
for no man, or woman, of any world.”
or later, Spock, you’re going to have to choose.”
is matter-of-fact, not confrontational. You are, I can
to pon farr. I appreciate that you have the delicacy
mention it directly.
you are aware, I experienced my initial cycle unusually late;
be many years before it reoccurs. In any case, this incident
as well as some other experiences of mine while on the
have made me reevaluate my career in Starfleet. When
is completed, I expect to return to Vulcan.
there that can shut down the cycle permanently.”
You frown. “Hormonal manipulation is dangerous and unapproved.
recommend it.” You lean back in the chair and cross your
you think the matter through. “Hold on, you could get your
that stuff easily enough if you really wanted to, without
widen. “You’re talking about kolinahr! That’s emotional
am impressed, Doctor. With your insight into my thought
as well as your knowledge of Vulcan culture. Very few
have any familiarity with kolinahr. Vulcans, however,
to refer to it as mastery of the emotions rather than by the
metaphor you have utilized.”
trenchantly, “Oh, I know what your people say. After
I studied up on Vulcan culture. Mastery?
the purging of all emotion. That’s like taming a horse
it, if you ask me.”
Dr. McCoy, I did not.
claim to admire kolinahr,” you say, “but they seem to take
attitude towards it. Look at Sumek’s poem.”
to which you are referring, “Journey Not to Gol, My Son,”
is a favorite
of my mother’s. I am surprised by your familiarity with
undistinguished work by an otherwise obscure poet is hardly
of what Vulcans think. The poem is uncharacteristically
for a Vulcan literary work, and has been more popular
than it ever has been among Vulcans.”
is shining with perspiration. Again I recall the tang of
so different from my own spare perspiration in both its
and its sodium chloride-based saltiness, my desert-
Vulcan physiology being much more efficient at the
of water and its own different, sweeter-tasting,
like to taste once more your salty human sweat.
and the abrupt movement pushes the chair noisily into the
desk. “Kolinahr’s an abomination. My
God, Spock, how can you even
doin’ that to yourself? The Masters of Gol will cut out
and eat your soul!”
the metaphor you are utilizing to describe the process of
is anachronistic in addition to being misleadingly inaccurate
violent. Neither your culture nor mine currently
the katra resides in the heart. Moreover—”
be so damn literal, Spock! You know what I’m getting at!”
As is your
habit when you are excited, your arms are making abrupt
gesticulations. “If you end up at Gol, I swear to God I will be sorry I
the two of us off that ice cube of a planet, or that I didn’t
you when I had the chance! Hell, I’d even rather you had
in that blizzard to freeze. At least you’d be safe from those
hermits, and I wouldn’t have to watch you committing
previously familiar with what I have termed your martyr
I am nonetheless shaken to realize your attachment to me
It is unfortunate
you have guessed my meaning. I did not anticipate
would know of kolinahr, but in light of the high value
on emotion, I am not surprised by the revulsion it inspires
in you. Yes, I can see that it would be a bitter thing, to learn that
love intends to commit an act which from your human
is deeply self-destructive (though which from my own
is an act of self-realization), and to know you played,
unwittingly, a part in your beloved’s decision. How much
you be distressed, if you knew the actual extent of your
reacted, more calmly than I would have expected, when
told you there is no place for you in my bed or my heart; you
dispassionately enough, for a human, of the possibility
love another, or that I might take a mate in the future.
the prospect of my undergoing kolinahr you have lost your
not to mention your temper.
would not have to ‘watch’ anything, because you would not be
at the Plateau of Tai-la.” Having witnessed your outburst, or
now you love me, how could I dare invite you to be
friends gathered in preparation for my pilgrimage to the
The tightening of your mouth reveals that you recognize, and
by, the slight. “And had I been stranded on Sarpeidon, I
be ‘safe’; I would have died five thousand years ago.”
should’ve figured this was the real issue, why you don’t want a
or any kind of a normal life. It isn’t about dedication
career, or you wanting Jim or anyone else—and I’d have
that, been glad for you even, if you got together with
and were happy. But God forbid you might allow yourself
a bit of
common human happiness.”
an eyebrow. “Is it necessary for me to remind you that I am
acting like ‘human’ is a dirty word,” you retort. “You’re
half-human. Hell, I could just as easily have said common Vulcan
happiness. Marriage is an honorable institution in your culture,
never convince me your father doesn’t love your mother
But this is all about you having to be your idea of the
completely rational, totally logical, thoroughly
automaton. Even if that means letting those
priests and priestesses suck every last bit of humanity
Masters of Gol only oversee the process. It is the acolytes
who purge themselves of emotion. And becoming an
of kolinahr hardly makes one lose free will. Many Vulcan
posit that free will is enhanced by the individual’s
you were trying to ‘enhance’ Jim, when you wiped out his
of loving Rayna?”
we have already discussed that matter at length.”
my action as unethical, you had been irate with me
following the Enterprise’s departure from Holberg
you realized what I had done. You were chagrined, and
mitigated, when I pointed out the illogic of your censure,
yourself had said you wished the Captain could forget the
android with whom he had fallen in love; my action was, in
by your comment.
you did do Jim a favor. At least when he sees his best friend
from emotion he won’t have to be remembering that the
loved died in the process of obtaining it.”
beginning to try my patience, Dr. McCoy.
she react, seeing you disown your
human heritage? Having her son ‘enhance’ himself by becoming a
computer? Will she hold her tongue, like the Vulcan mother
to control my anger. You have gone too far, bringing my
into your harangue in this manner.
eyes. “Don’t do it, Spock.”
The words are not a plea.
an imperative, or an ultimatum.
is my choice and mine alone, if I choose to undergo kolinahr.”
in my voice is intentional. “My parents have no say
matter, nor does Captain Kirk. And most certainly you do
McCoy. Do not broach this subject again.
Not with me,
Captain, or anyone else.”
point two seconds your blue eyes blaze into my icy dark ones.
said he doesn’t know which of us is more stubborn, but this
battle you cannot win. Finally you look away.
“No, I don’t
I do,” you mutter. In your
features I recognize the same
I have sometimes seen when the Captain has ordered
stand down in an argument.
expect you to go storming out of my quarters; instead, your
smoldering, you stand facing the crimson wall hangings.
order you to leave, but it would be preferable that we not
such an antagonistic note. And there remains a matter about
controls summoned, the sudden fury that had flooded
before drains away. In an effort to defuse the tension,
you in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone: “May I ask you a
search my face. You encounter there my normal impassive
than the momentary coldness, and your sulky expression
lifts. You shrug, and in an apologetic tone say, “Sure, go ahead. I
been giving those pointed pinna of yours an earful.”
you alluded to a short time ago, you had the opportunity to
as permanent mate on Sarpeidon. Yet you turned down
the opportunity. Why?”
at me. “Choose to stay behind with you in that
deep freeze? Not damn likely! There
was Jim to
and the Enterprise.
Our careers and our families.”
the sullenness returns to your face; perhaps you
your statement you would have remained behind
if you had known of my intention to undergo kolinahr.
caustically, “Hope your feelings aren’t hurt, Spock, that
want you that badly.”
is no reason for me to be offended. On the contrary, I
you on putting emotion aside for logic for once.”
of your eyes makes clear you do not find my sincere
gratifying. “Thanks a lot,” you say sourly.
was, however, referring to a slightly different matter. I offered
with you, but you declined. Why?”
told you when we left to find the portal. I was worried we were
out of time to get back to the ship.”
I do not
point out the obvious: you had taken the time to lie with
though, it was feeling it wouldn’t be fair to you, that I’d be
you into a permanent relationship.”
again, as a shadow crosses your face. Regret, after our
about kolinahr? Guilt, that you were tempted to take
of me in that manner? Or is the shadow simply fear,
of unspoken qualms about the mental fusion involved in
In the brief moment between my asking you to bond with
Zarabeth’s discovery of us in a naked embrace, I had felt a
fear from you, too swift to interpret, before we hastily
under her shocked gaze; but I can guess what lay behind
alarm. You hide, Leonard, your own secrets.
weren’t fully rational at that point, you couldn’t give true
you say. “I wouldn’t want you, or any lover, that way.
“Many humans have been willing to utilize deception, even coercion,
a desired mate.”
humans’?” Your eyes flash with irritation. “Spock, we
of at least one Vulcan who was all too willing to stoop
to get the mate she desired!”
“Indeed.” I bow my head in assent. “I can
be thankful you have
than did T’Pring.”
you’re quite welcome.” In the same dry drawl you add,
entering into a permanent relationship following a
consisting of nothing but a single session of mutual
seemed a bit . . . hasty.”
“Agreed.” I deem it prudent not to further commend
am grateful that you declined to entrap me into a bonded
Yet a part
of me wishes you had done so.
the abandoned chair back under my desk. “If you
my offer, let me know.”
on the wall to my right is a small polished bronze mirror,
artifact of great antiquity. Uncounted generations’ worth
has left it dented and scratched. Out of the corner of my eye
in its marred surface my somewhat distorted image.
of my mirror universe self, and wonder, again, why you wish
me as lover.
will not be reconsidering.”
lifts in a defiant angle. “I’m not sorry about what
in that cave.”
would be preferable if it had never occurred.”
it did happen.”
I say, “it happened. But that was five thousand years ago.”
got a long memory. Goodnight, Spock.”
door hisses closed behind you, I feel a pang of regret, rather
relief I expected to feel.
NOT TO GOL, MY SON
see far and deep and clear:
For Logic does not stand on shifting sands.
sands of passion’s storm
Not a single
Not a particle
penetrates the immutable reality
beneath the shimmering mirage of the senses,
on the other side of the window
the blowing curtain
the capricious delusion called emotion.
of the Masters
Is as sharp
and bright and lovely
stars of the moonless desert night,
and remote as the curving sky that holds them,
desert that lies below;
Truth is as personal as the unseen air
our every breath.
Plateau of Tai-la
seeks his solitary Truth and finds it,
As he casts
all feeling on the sand.
on the knife edge of Logic,
Wisdom’s highest peak,
where emotion’s shadow never falls.
by a thousand million suns,
He is not
far and deep and clear.
incinerates all those who dare approach,
rays blast and melt the innermost self
Of he who
between the suns
and turns to ice
not to Gol, my son;
the stars are distant,
their purifying flame.
bright and lovely burn those distant stars
chill that turns the blood to ice.
within the ease
Of my ancestral
was born and have hoped to die,
now you plan to abandon,
is silenced, choked on dust,
As I watch
the drifting sand encroaching;
the stirring of restive wind
skin and stings the eye.
guess the turbulence within me,
words which remain unspoken,
thoughts I am compelled to shield,
do us both dishonor?
to Gol, my son,
fingers tugged my hair,
suckled at my breast;
And I am
to Gol, my child,
I dandled on my knee,
hand I held and guided;
perceive Truth unbounded,
is the light of a thousand million suns,
ignorant and unenlightened,
a single sun to provide me light.
I see neither
far nor deep nor clear,
even if it were allowed,
no comfort here.
to Gol, my only-born,
growing flesh filled my belly,
in the womb shared my private thoughts;
Wisdom fills the Masters’ minds,
hands will touch the empty air,
will seek a vacant place,
be as if my womb were barren.
not to Gol, my son,
my katra is made free
with the pale poison
sweet and bitter,
which clouds my judgment
this frail and blemished earthen vessel
at last, and crumbles in the sand.
you go to Gol, my son,
mind will be so filled
serene, subtle harmonies of Logic
ears will be forever deaf to my voice;
intellect so consumed
light of a thousand million suns
eyes will focus far beyond my face;
not see the hand extended,
not sense the thoughts reaching out,
And I will
be more bereft
my womb had been forever barren.
Sumek 1770 – 1957 trans.
M. Ari Nasus, 2115