Title: C.M.O.

Author: petparent

Fandom: ST TOS

Pairing: Spock/McCoy

Rating: NC-17

Word count: 7,000 words approx.

Summary:  McCoy has a problem that he needs help with.

Warning: alcoholism

Featuring: Hurt/Comfort

Beta: my wife, tprillahfiction

Gulp, gulp, gulp.  The bottle of smooth Romulan Ale had been doing the trick lately for Dr. Leonard McCoy.  One of the many perks that he had was being able to have at least two bottles stashed away during the many months of working.  Usually the two would last him between shore leaves, but with one-third of the second bottle gone with only two months after the last shore leave, it was apparent that he would have to fall back on something else.

He set the bottle down on his desk, harder than he had intended to.  He stared at the wall and kept telling himself that this was not rock bottom and he still was in control.

When he reached the goal of making himself feel like a king, the doors to sickbay opened.  He quickly hid the bottle under his desk in his secret compartment, told his viewer to turn off the document he had been reading for the hundredth time and tried to act sober. 

He could tell right off the bat who had entered due to the measured footsteps, though he couldn’t see who it was right away.

“Hiya, Spock.  Come for your physical a month early or just wanted to stop by and keep your lover company?” He gave out an evil grin.

Spock walked in though the doorway only a step or two before he stopped.  He studied his partner for a moment then sighed.  “Are you drunk, Doctor?”

“Now, what in the universe would give you that idea?”

“The cheerful ‘hiya’ and the stench of Romulan Ale.”

“The stench?” McCoy smiled but mentally kicked himself.  Dammit, he knew he forgot to use some breath spray.  “Listen, Spock.  I’m just trying to be friendly to my fuck-buddy, alright?”

Spock seemed aghast at that and McCoy reddened.  That was mean.  They were in a romantic relationship even though they hadn’t actually been sleeping together for a while.  Two long months.

“Doctor, I shall leave you to your--”

“Wait Spock.  Wait.  Sorry.”

“Apologies are unnecessary.  Have you been consuming alcohol?”

“No.  Why?”

“Hmmm.  Please refrain from lies, of which you are not at all skilled at telling.”

“Now hold on just a minu--”

“I came by because you and I were supposed to go out on a what you referred to as a ‘rekindle date’.”

Oh shit.  He’d forgotten all about that.  About a week ago he was feeling a little better and decided to try to start the fire again in their relationship.  Spock seemed up for it too.  It was a good plan...at the time...but now....

“Spock, I’m sorry I stood you up.  I have been busy and it slipped my mind.  Why don’t I just finish up here and--”

“Negative, Doctor.  You are not in any state to have a serious conversation with me, nor with anyone for that matter.  For our relationship to work, you must be sober or at least not as drunk as you are now--”

“Hey! I’m not drunk you goddamned hobgoblin!”

“--surely this is affecting your duties.”

“It is not!”

“The crew knows that we are involved in a relationship--”

“Yeah?  So?  Nothing gets past them.”

“They have been approaching me with concern regarding your behavior as of late.”

“You’re just sayin’ that.”

Spock pursed his lips.  “Dr. McCoy, have you been conducting physicals under the influence?”

“Have I what?” McCoy glared at the pointy eared menace.  “No.  Drinking during my shifts?  That would be unprofessional.”

“Have you or have you not?”

McCoy glanced down at his hands.

“I see,” Spock said.  “Word is spreading.”

“Scuttlebutt?  That’s common aboard a starship.  I never listen to any of it--”

“I have spoken to the captain.  You were certainly able to cover up much more with him than you are able to with me.  Let me inform you that he is starting to suspect something.  Soon I shall have to recommend that you are relieved from your duties.”

“You went to Jim, about me?” McCoy stared at Spock, open mouthed.  “Get the hell out of my sickbay!”

“Leonard.  As your friend and lover--”

“Huh,” McCoy shot back.  “Right.”

“You must let me help you but only when you are ready.  I hope it shall be sooner than later.”

“Get out,” McCoy said.  “Now.”

“As you wish.”

*

A week had gone by since that day.  McCoy was not feeling any better.  He was pissed off at that hobgoblin for his audacity and apparently the ‘feeling’ was mutual.  They hadn’t interacted except when they absolutely had to at staff meetings.  Jim was watching him closely, he noticed.  He smiled back as if ‘everything was just dandy’.

Goddammit, he missed Spock terribly. 

Goddammit, he needed another drink.

The last time he and Spock had tried to have sex he’d been afflicted with a little bit of erectile disfunction, that’s all.  It wasn’t ‘Brewer’s Droop’ or anything like that.  He’d had a couple of quick drinks before seeing the hobgoblin and then when the time came for fooling around he couldn’t get it up. 

“Something the matter, Leonard?” Spock had asked.

“Just a little tired, that’s all, Sweetheart.  Hey, why don’t we snuggle instead?”

That was the last time they were intimate, two months ago.

He needed to pace the ship and his feet took him near Spock’s cabin.  He stopped.  He should storm in there.  Tell Spock off for going to the captain.  How dare he? 

Well, maybe he should apologize.  Spock did seem really hurt.  He hadn’t meant to stand up his lover last week. 

No. No. No. Forget it.  Let the Vulcan stew in his own juice. 

He started walking again, right past Spock’s door and back to his own quarters.

*

Spock was sitting on a mountain top with his legs crossed.  The sun beat down on the terrain and himself.  It felt pleasurable to be ‘home’ even though it was only in his mind.

His thoughts traveled to his mother and father.  He worked out various things regarding his duties.  Then McCoy.  No matter how hard he tried he kept thinking about the man.  He loved him but this relationship was driving him to frustration.  The human side of him wanted to punch a bulkhead.  He knew he must be patient.  The time will come when Leonard would see the error of his ways.  McCoy will eventually come to him and ask for help, he knew.  Jim had said that Bones was pigheaded, stubborn as a mule. 

A noise came from faraway, growing in intensity.  It sounded like a crewman yelling. He seemed to be engaged in an argument. 

Spock opened his eyes.  Two members of crew were arguing outside his quarters?  Fascinating.  And also a violation of regulations.  As first officer he must stop them.  As he moved to his door, another voice joined in.  McCoy.

“I am chief medical officer of this ship and if I want to stroll up and down this deck then I will be dammned if you can stop me, Lieutenant!”

“Dr. McCoy.  Stop where you are, or I shall be forced to stun you.”

Spock waved the sensor so that the doors slid open.  They revealed a chaotic scene.  A crowd of a dozen crew-members had congregated, blocking much of his view.  He could make out the doctor’s blue sickbay smock though the crowd. 

He cleared his throat.  The crewmembers noticed him and then scattered.  He raised an eyebrow as they departed.  The only two left in the corridor were the doctor and Lieutenant Hamner.  The lieutenant had a phaser trained on the doctor. 

“Last chance,” Hamner said.

“Lieutenant,” Spock said.  “Lower the phaser.”

“Yes sir.”

“Spock!  Get the fuck out of here, I can fight my own battles, than you very much,” McCoy slurred out.

Spock sighed.  He walked up the the doctor and promptly delivered a nerve pinch.  He caught the CMO as the man sagged and held onto him.

“Wow!” Hamner said.  “That is some trick, Mr. Spock.”

“You are on report, Lieutenant,” Spock replied.  “You are in violation of regulation A--”

“He started it!” Hamner pointed at the unconscious McCoy.  

“I’ll take it from here, Mr. Spock.”  Spock looked back to see Captain Kirk strolling up.  “Lieutenant.  Report.”

Hamner cleared his throat.  “Captain about ten minutes ago Dr. McCoy came out of his quarters.  I happened to be nearby.  He started yelling that no one was grateful for anything he does around here.  I asked him to relax and go back to his quarters.  I was about to call for security and you, sir.”

“I see.  Next time you will follow proper procedure immediately, instead of petty arguing with a superior officer, Mr. Hamner.”

“Yes sir.  Sorry sir.”

“Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

Kirk waited till the crewman was gone then glanced down at the doctor still in Spock’s arms.  He pushed the wall comm.  “Security.  Deck 5.  Take Dr. McCoy to the brig.”

“The brig, Captain?” Spock asked.

Security quickly arrived and carried off the doctor.  Kirk and Spock watched with concern. 

“A word, in my quarters, Mr. Spock,” Kirk said.

*

“Report, Mr. Spock.  What’s going on with Bones?”

“Jim, Dr. McCoy is suffering from...alcohol induced depression.”

“Are you two still...” Jim made hand motions.  “Together?”

Spock hesitated.  “Unknown at this time, Captain.”

“Great.  You two broke up and now Bones is....” He shook his head.

“Are you implying his behavior is somehow my fault?”

Jim walked over and put a hand on Spock.  “No. I’m not. Sorry.  Bones is an alcoholic, isn’t he.”

“Affirmative. I should have come to you sooner with this, Captain.  It is my fault.”

“He’s been a heavy drinker for quite a while.  But I thought he was keeping things under control,” Kirk mused.  “I must admit I don’t know what to do.  We’ll, besides relieve him of his duties.  Send him to a starbase?  No. I need to ask M’Benga what the treatment is for a case like this.  We lost our ship’s psychiatrist in the last skirmish and we haven’t replaced him yet, as you know.”

“Captain, may I make a suggestion?” 

“Yes, Mr. Spock.”

“I would like to take him into my care.  It would most likely be against his will--”

“I’ll order it.”

“Thank you, Captain.  I have a treatment method that could help him.”

“Alright.”

*

McCoy woke up with a stiff neck and a sore back.  The bunks in the brig were horrible, not that he’d ever spent much time in one.  He groaned as he sat up.  He realized he wasn’t alone. 

“Well, look who it is,” he said, forcing out a grin.  “What the hell did I do to land myself in here?”

“You do not remember?” Spock asked.

“No, I don’t.”

“How do you feel, Bones?” Jim asked.

“Like a herd of buffalo took turns kicking my body.”

“That bad, huh?”

“What’d I do, Jim. Kill somebody?”

“No.” Jim smiled.

“Well then, you can let me on outta here, and I can get back to sickbay.”

Jim grimaced.  “You’re relieved of duty.”

“Well, that’s just great.”

“You hungry, Bones?”

“Starving,” McCoy replied. 

“Alright.  I’m springing you out.  Breakfast in my quarters.”

*

McCoy knew that breakfast in Jim’s quarters was going to come at a price and it did.  They were going to have a talk. 

“Bones, Listen.  Off the record.”

McCoy took a sip of his coffee.  Good. Jim wanted to stay informal.  “I’m listening, Jim.”

“Spock and I have been concerned about what’s been going on with you.”

“With me?  Nothing’s going on.  I just haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.”

“You’ve been drinking a lot.”

“So?  What’s the big deal.  Scotty does.  You do.  Y’know, a drink or two in the evening helps me relax.”

“That was not a drink or two,” Spock cut in.

“Spock,” Jim said, giving the Vulcan a look.  Spock quieted.

“I’m just snowed under with all these goddamned physicals,” McCoy explained. “Trying to make sure all the troops are in tip top shape.”

“Not all of my troops are in in tip top shape, though,” Jim replied.  He reached out and touched McCoy’s shoulder.  “Bones.”

“What?  What, Jim?  What the hell are you relieving me for, anyway, right during physicals?  Are you out of your mind?”

“Sanchez and M’Benga can handle them right now.  You need....” Jim halted and glanced at Spock and sighed.  “You two.”

“What about us two, Jim?  Look.  Me and Spock can handle our shit just fine. Nobody else’s business.  You don’t need to relieve me of my duties.”

“Yes I do.  I’m this close to sending you to Starbase 11.”

“Off ship?  Why?” McCoy’s eyes widened.  “What the hell is going on here?”

“But,” Jim continued. “I won’t do that, not if I can help it.  Let’s face facts.  You’re an alcoholic and it’s affecting your job, Doctor.”

“No, I’m not an alcoholic.  And my drinking is affecting nothing.”

“Bones,” Jim replied sharply.  “Enough.  We’re done with the denials.”

McCoy glanced down.  “Sorry, Jim.”

“Spock has a...treatment program for your affliction--”

McCoy snorted at that.

“Bones.”

“Sorry.  Just how you said ‘affliction’.”

“You want to go to starbase 11?” Jim huffed.  “I can send you immediately if that’s the case.”

“No, Jim, I don’t.”

“Alright, then.”

“What kind of treatment program does Commander Spock have in mind?” McCoy asked.

“An informal one,” Spock replied.  “But it might help.”

“How?”

“You,” Jim said. “And Spock are going to be spending a lot of time together.”

“Is that right?”

“Yes, that is right, Bones.” Jim stood up.  “I have to use the toilet.  Hold that thought.”

As soon as Jim left the room, McCoy swung on Spock.  “Treatment program?  You’re not a medical professional.  How dare you--”

They proceeded to have the most vicious argument ever.  It was so heated that they did not notice Jim return and stand there folding his arms.  “Gentlemen!  Gentlemen!”

They stopped and turned to the captain.

“Logical, my ass, Mr. Spock,” Jim said.

“Captain, I--”

“Never mind.  Yikes, this is gonna be interesting to say the least.  I’m gonna find two dead bodies in Spock’s quarters by the end of the week.”

“Spock’s quarters?”

“And by spend time, I don’t mean long walks on the beach or ice cream together.  I mean you are going to submit to Spock’s treatment plan or else.  Do I make myself clear?”

McCoy folded his arms and rolled his eyes.  “Perfectly, Jim.  If we’re still off the record.”

“Oh, we are.  For now.  This keeps up and it will be on the record and you will be on report.” 

Spock whispered.  “My proposed treatment will help with the problem--”

“Shut up, Spock.”

“Doctor, I am only trying to--”

“I said, ‘shut up’!”

“Leonard--”

“Spock, goddammit, you--”

“Gentlemen!  Please!”

*

McCoy was sitting in his quarters, scowling and having a drink when his comm beeped.  “McCoy.”

“Spock here.”

“Yes, what can I do you for, Mr. Spock?”

“I wish to discuss the time you will report to my quarters.”

McCoy sighed.  “I don’t need your help, Spock.”

“Excellent, Doctor.  If you wish you may return to your bottle of Romulan Ale, of which I can see is right there on your desk--”

McCoy moved it off the table.  “What Romulan Ale?”

“--and proceed to consume enough alcohol to go on a rampage, walking down the corridors yelling until the cows come home, as you are fond of saying, and then you will most definately wind up in the brig and then permanently relieved of your duties and shipped off to Starbase 11--”

“Are we done?”

“Affirmative.”

“Oh good, maybe now you’ll keep quiet. I’m starting to suspect that you’re just running your mouth to hear yourself talk.  You enjoy that you green blooded bastard.”

“Report at ten hundred hours--”

“Not today.  I’m not coming over today.”

“Tomorrow.  I must prepare for our sessions.”

“Prepare?”

“Affirmative.”

“What the hell does this all involve?  Some Vulcan voodoo?”

“You will see, tomorrow.  Each session will take approximately two hours.”

“Alright then, ten hundred, tomorrow.  I might be a couple minutes late.”

“You will not be late.”

“You’re lucky I’m coming at all.”

“See you tomorrow.  That is an order, Doctor.  Spock out.”

The viewer went dark.  McCoy flipped it off.

*

McCoy came by the Vulcan’s quarters at ten hundred thirty.

“You are late.”

“Am I?” McCoy countered.  “Sorry, Spock.  Just rolled out of bed.”

Spock sighed.  “You have not.”

“I would like to get this over with, if you didn’t mind.  In fact why can’t we forget the whole thing and just say we did?”

“A lie?”

“No....” He did not have any more to say.  “I would like to get back to my bed, if you don’t mind.”

Spock sighed.  He walked over to the water dispenser.  “Would you like a glass?”

“No, thank you.  But you carry on, please.”

Spock gave a small bow.  He poured himself a glass of water.  McCoy remained silent as he did so. 

Spock finished his glass and set it down on the desk.  “Come, Doctor.  We will be having the sessions in my sleeping chamber.”

McCoy couldn’t help but cough at that.

“It is not what you think,” Spock added.

McCoy nodded and followed Spock into the sleeping area.  Lit candles were set up all around.  Two pillows were placed on the deck.  “All this for me, huh?”

“Have a seat, please, Doctor.”

McCoy did as he was told.  “Mmmm.  These pillows felt nice against my head and now even better against my ass,” he joked, until the saw the serious look on the Vulcan’s face.

“Leonard,” Spock said. “I always have meditated by myself.  However I should have offered for you to join me.”

“Meditation isn’t really my thing, Spock.  I prefer other methods to relax.”

“Yes, therein lies the problem.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I apologize.  I am only suggesting that you deal with stress with some other tactic.  You are obviously a man who is holding a lot in.”

“Speak for yourself.”

Spock raised an eyebrow in response.

“So that’s your treatment plan, meditation?” McCoy asked.

“Meditation and a type of mind meld.”

“Oh no,” McCoy said, getting up.  “I’m outta here.”

“What is the problem?”

“The mind meld is.  You may have had access to my body but you’re staying out of my head, thank you very much.  I don’t need you to read my thoughts.”

“I promise you I will not be reading your mind.  I wish to only help you relax.  This will not be a typical mind meld.”

“Oh?”

“Indeed.

Spock reached under his bed and pulled out an ordinary candle.  Nothing about it seemed unique but for the holder which had a peculiar marking on it.

“What is that?”

“A candle.”

“I know it’s a candle.”

“This is a special candle known as a S’lor.  It was produced many years ago by my people so that we would be able to share consciousness with other species without using a traditional mind meld.  Where with a mind meld we would share thoughts and it is often a invasion of privacy for both parties, the S’Lgee is a coming together of experience.”

“I’ve never heard of S’Glee before.  You made this up.”

“I assure you this is legitimate.”

“If you say so.  How can a candle facilitate this?”

“You shall see.”

“Why are you being so dramatic?  Come on, let’s get on with it.  I’m starting to get nervous.”

“Do not be alarmed, Doctor.  Please sit in the lotus position.”

“You gotta be kidding me. I can’t make my legs do that, I’m not that flexible.”

“I beg to differ.”

McCoy smirked at him.  “Like this?” He moved his legs into position on the pillow.

“Good enough.”  Spock reached under the bed again and brought out an ornate box of matches.  “This candle burns rather slowly.”

“Does it now?  Well, I don’t have all damned day.  You said two hours.”

“I did, Doctor.  Shall we begin?”

McCoy made a grand gesture.  “Please.”

Spock lit the candle.  The flame and the wick embraced each other. “May this light guide us through the tunnel of darkness.  May we also find with its help the answer.”

McCoy felt himself instantly entranced by how beautiful it was.  Without warning the flame transformed into a rainbow.

“Now will you take my left hand with your right and my right with your left.”

McCoy did so.  Spock’s hands were warm and comforting.  He suddenly wanted to embrace the Vulcan but he held himself back. 

“Close your eyes and take deep breathes while counting backwards from ten.”

“Sounds like hypnotism, Spock.”

“I assure you, Doctor that it is not.”

“Alright, then fine.”  He counted out loud.  “Ten, nine, eight, seven....”

*

McCoy opened his eyes to find he was standing on a dirt road surrounded by trees.  Up ahead was a huge white house.  He told himself to walk towards the house but his legs would not move.  He turned his head to the right and saw what looked to be a duck pond.  To his left was a large grassy field.

Without realizing it, he was already moving down the dirt road.  He heard a faint noise coming from the house.  He recognized it to be the ‘neigh’ of a horse.  The horse suddenly appeared and came galloping towards him.  There was somebody riding the horse.  Spock.  The Vulcan reached him in no time and expertly stopped the horse.  “Good morning, Doctor.”

McCoy glanced up towards the sky, it did appear to be dawn.  “Where did you learn how to ride a horse?”

“I told you before I once had a pet sehlat as a child.  Riding a horse is not too much different than riding I-Chaya.”

“Horses don’t have fangs.”

“No, they do not and they are much smaller.  Come,” Spock said, motioning for him to hop on.

McCoy shrugged and mounted the horse. 

They rode towards the house at at brisk pace.  McCoy held onto Spock by the waist.  It felt good to touch him like that.  He watched the passing scenery as they rode.  It was a wonderful countryside even though it had a distinctively imaginary feel to it. 

They arrived at the front porch of the house.  Spock brought the horse to a stop. 

McCoy dismounted.  “I haven’t been on a horse in a long time.”

“I thought you might enjoy it.”

“I did.”

“Come,” Spock said and motioned him onto the porch over to the swing. 

“A porch swing?”

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah.” McCoy smiled in spite of himself.

Spock sat on the swing and beckoned. 

“Feels like we’re in Georgia,” McCoy murmured.  “Almost.”

“Doctor you are in my mind.  I chose this memory--”

“You’ve been to Georgia?”

“Once, with my parents, as a child.  I chose this memory as to ease the transition into this state.  As I am the one who lit the candle, I make the choice.”

“Oh, alright.”

Spock beckoned again and McCoy finally sat down.  The swing moved with his weight. 

“Fascinating,” McCoy said.

“Indeed.”

They sat there, swinging, watching nature, listening to the birds. 

“The time is up,” Spock suddenly said.

“Huh?”

“Our session has ended for today.”

“That’s it?  This is all we’re gonna do?”

“Yes.”

McCoy sat back and swung some more.  “Can we stay longer?”

“If you like.”

They stayed there in silence for several minutes.  McCoy found himself wishing he could touch Spock, hold his hand or at least just grab onto his fingers but he didn’t.  He was also hoping Spock couldn’t read his thoughts but he probably could, being as they were in--

“You know,” McCoy found himself saying.  “When I eventually retire, I’d like to move to a house like this.  Have some grandchildren running around.”

Spock said nothing but nodded.

McCoy suddenly cleared his throat and stood up.  “It’s time to go.”

“Go?  You said you wished to stay longer.”

“I never said that. I’d really like to leave now.”

“If you wish.  All you need to do is close your eyes and count while taking deep breaths.”

“Click my heels, eh, Spock?”

“Negative.”

“Should I count backwards?”

“No.  We count backwards to deal with the past.  We count forwards to deal with the future.  So please, count forwards.”

“Is that a Vulcan thing?”

“No...Zen.”

*

McCoy opened his eyes to find himself back in Spock’s quarters.  Spock was staring curiously at him.

“Time is it?” McCoy asked.

“Thirteen fifty.”

“I’m starving.”

“Would you like to have lunch with me?”

“Thank you,” McCoy replied. “But no. I’d rather be alone for lunch if you don’t mind.”

“Of course not, Doctor.  Shall we meet at the same time tomorrow?”

“Do I have much choice?”

“No.”

“Alright, then see you at ten thirty.”

Spock shot him a look.

*

“Can we walk inside the house, or is it like a stage?” McCoy asked him during session number two. 

“The house is fully functional.”

McCoy went up the stairs and through the front door.  On the ground floor was a smoking parlor, a dining room, a living room and a swinging door.  “I assume through there is the kitchen?” McCoy asked.

Spock shrugged.

McCoy didn’t check to see if Spock followed him but he assumed the hobgoblin was hot on his heels.  He strode into the kitchen.  He checked to see if the place was fully stocked.  It was.  “Coffee, Spock?”

“Why not.”

Spock sat and watched him brew the coffee.  McCoy set a mug down by the Vulcan.  “Vulcans drink coffee?”

“They do not.”

“Didn’t think so.”  He took a sip of his own mug.  Good.  Real coffee.

“In my mind I can do what I like,” Spock said.

“Ah.  So when can we do what I want to do?”

“When you light the candle.”

“Well then, tomorrow I’m lighting it.”

“Excellent, Doctor.”

*

The next day they were standing in front of the same house.

“If you light the candle, you do not have to come here,” Spock told him.  “We can visit anyplace you wish to in your memories.”

McCoy held up a hand.  “My family home looked almost identical to the one you visited.”

“Ah.”

This time McCoy did more exploring.  In the corner of the living room there was a christmas tree filled with presents.  There was a child’s bike underneath.  McCoy smiled. 

They went upstairs to where the bedrooms were.  Inside the master bedroom there was a huge bed.  If he and Spock hadn’t split up they could have--

McCoy cleared his throat and moved on to the next room.  The next room was much smaller.  And appeared to be a nursery.  There was a baby crib.  “What the hell?”

“You are remembering a small child or a family,” Spock said.  “The crib suggests an infant, perhaps?”

McCoy backed away from the room.  He shut the door hard, not quite a slam but nearly.  “This place...I gotta go.”

“Are you sure, Doctor?”

“Yeah.” 

*

The two did not meet the next day.  McCoy had begged off, claiming illness.

“Perhaps you should visit sickbay.”

“I’m a doctor, I think I can diagnose myself thank you very much, Spock!” McCoy sputtered.

He decided not to push the issue and instead pay a visit to the bridge. 

Kirk noticed him walking up.  “How’s Bones?”

“He has taken ill today.”

Kirk narrowed his eyes.  “Oh.”  He scratched his cheek.

*

For much of their next meeting, McCoy felt like he was in a trance but during the last half hour on the porch swing, he felt like discussing old times.  He wouldn’t go back into the house, no matter how much Spock had suggested it.

“Do you remember when we first started dating, Spock?”

“Affirmative.  You asked if I would like to dance at the New Year’s Eve party.”

“Did I?  That was pretty damned forward of me.  Probably because I’d had a few drinks.”

“So you asked me to dance because you were under the influence.  I see.”

“Yes.  I  mean, no!  No.  What I mean is, the booze gave me dutch courage.”

“Dutch courage?”

“Yeah.”  McCoy studied his hands.  He moved his feet and made the swing move.  “The liquor loosened me up a bit.”

“Loosened you up?”

“Calmed my nerves.  Listen, I was already head over heels in love with you.  I couldn’t build up enough of my own courage to tell you the truth.  You are a very intimidating person.  But, I found a lot of things attractive about you and our arguments turned me on--”

“And they no longer do.”

“No, they still do.” McCoy smiled.  “They still do.  And the make-up sex is--” He stopped smiling.  “Well it was great.”

“Let me ask you a question, Doctor.”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you still in love with me?”

“I’ve never stopped, Spock.” McCoy gulped. 

They sat on the swing for long silent moments.

McCoy then said:  “I assume you found me attractive, otherwise you wouldn’t have agreed to dance with me.”

Spock shrugged.  “I find a great deal attractive about you.”

“Like what?”

“Your stubbornness, for one thing.”

*

The next session became more focused in some ways.  However, Spock still could not see where the depression really had its roots.  Sure there was hints, but nothing too concrete.

“I love being a doctor,” McCoy said.  “But sometimes I...just don’t know.”

Spock remained silent.

“When I went to medical school I had intended to become something.  Above all, I wanted to help people, but also do something important with my life.  I had been running from my family.”

“Go on.”

“I can’t Spock.  I want to leave here.”

*

“Spock, I’ve been hating the first hour of our sessions.  I can never find the right thing to say.”

“You do not need to say anything.  These sessions are for you.  You talk if and when you wish to.”

“But I want to talk.  I feel comforted when I’m with you.  I still love you.”

“As I love you, Leonard.  Even so, do not do this for me, but for yourself.”

“I know.”

“Would you like to take a walk?”

“Sure.”

They strolled over to the duck pond and watched as the dozen or so ducks frolicked in the water.  It was a sunny day (it was always sunny).  McCoy could not help but squint in the light.

“Spock, thank you for your help.  I feel like a lot of pressure has been released off of my chest.  You know, I believe I never told  you that I used to take my daughter Joanna to a duck pond very similar to this one.”

“When she was a child?”

“Yes.  She had to have been two or three.  It was a few years before her mother and I separated.  Before I entered Starfleet and went away....”

There was a faint sound coming from the direction of the house.  McCoy glanced up.  “A baby.  Sounds like it’s...crying.  My God, it is!”  McCoy bolted for the house.  He entered, ran upstairs.  When they reached the nursery there was nothing.  No baby.

“I swear I heard a baby cry, Spock!”

“So did I.”

McCoy turned away from the nursery and walked downstairs.  Spock followed.  When they reached the porch swing, McCoy abruptly said: “I want to leave.”

“As you wish.”

*

The next time McCoy lit the candle it seemed as if things were different.  McCoy seemed in control of the session.  It felt to Spock as if he was being pulled towards somewhere through water. 

McCoy stood with him and seemed like he was expecting something.

They heard a baby’s cry again.  McCoy entered the house, Spock followed.  McCoy went up the stairs to the nursery.  He opened the door.  Inside there were toys everywhere.  There was clothing stuffed in a bureau.  All the tiny clothes were pink. 

Near the far wall there stood a rocking chair. 

There was a gurgle coming from the crib.  McCoy immediately went to it.  He picked up an infant clad in a pink onesie.  McCoy smiled at Spock and went over to the rocking chair, sitting down in it.  He nodded at the child in his arms.  “This is Joanna.”

“Your daughter,” Spock surmised.  “When she was a baby.”

McCoy grinned again.  “You got it.  We can do anything we want here, you said so yourself.  So...here’s my baby.” He glanced down at the sleeping child with pride.  “She’s the most beautiful thing in the universe.”

“She is,” Spock agreed.

“She’s sleeping,” McCoy said.  “My favorite time ever.  She’s just had her bottle and her mom is at work so I’m home with my beautiful baby girl.”

Spock said nothing, simply looked on and let Leonard talk. 

“You know what, Spock?  Jo’s not a baby anymore.  But she’ll always be my little girl.  I’ll always remember her just like this.”  Tears formed in the doctor’s eyes.  “I got a message from her.  She’s seven months pregnant.  I’m going to be a grandpa.”

“Congratulations,” Spock said.

“Yeah,” McCoy replied.  He gulped as he looked down again at the infant. “I like to sniff the top of Jo’s head.  Smell that fresh baby scent.  The most wonderful, innocent scent in the universe.  Guess what, Spock?  Joanna doesn’t want me to see her baby when it’s born.  Since I can’t be around much to have a relationship with it.  She thinks my coming around would make things worse. So...I won’t be able to see my own grandchild.  My own flesh and blood...” A tear ran down McCoy’s face.  “You see, it’s my fault.  I left her and her mother.  I was a resident and never home so Jocelyn asked me to move out.  So I did and joined Starfleet.”

Spock continued to watch as the baby awoke and began to cry.

“Oh...oh...oh...it’s okay, Sweetheart,” McCoy cooed at her. “Look. Look what I got!” He produced a bottle filled with milk and fed her with it.  “Daddy’s here.  What a good girl you are being, drinking all your milk.  Maybe we can go to the duck pond later.”

Spock smirked a bit at the sight.

“I wish...sometimes that I’d never joined Starfleet.  That I never became a doctor.  I should have picked a career that I didn’t have to work so much.  I don’t blame her for not wanting me to see my grandchild.  It’s my own fault.”

The babe in McCoy’s arms suddenly disappeared. 

“Well,” McCoy said.  “She’s gone.” He set the bottle down on the floor.  “She drank all her milk.”

McCoy got up from the rocking chair and went downstairs. Spock followed him all the way to the porch swing.  McCoy sat down heavily on it.  “I fucked up, Spock.  I haven’t done anything right.  I fucked up my marriage, my relationship with my daughter and I fucked up my relationship with you.”  McCoy moved his feet to make the swing move frantically.  “That’s it, Spock.  I’m gonna retire.  I’ve had it.  I’m gonna leave the service.  I want to start fresh with Jo and my grandbaby and be the grandfather I should be.  The father I should have always been.  Grandpa Leonard, that has a nice ring to it.”

“It does.” Much as it pained Spock to lose McCoy, perhaps this was the best for him. 

A distant alarm came through along with a woman’s voice.  Uhura. “Mr. Spock, report to the bridge please.  Red Alert!  Red Alert!”

Spock stood.  “McCoy. I must return.”

“Yeah,” McCoy said.  “Duty calls.”

Spock immediately came out of it, appearing back in his quarters.  He went to the wall comm.  “Spock to bridge, I am on my way.”

Spock walked to the door but McCoy stopped him.  “Put me back on active duty.”

“It would be best if you did not.  You are still unfit.”

“Dammit, it’s a red alert!  We might suffer mass casualties!  I’m the CMO of the Enterprise and I’ll be damned if I’m sitting on my ass twiddling my thumbs when I’m needed in sickbay!”

Spock put a hand to McCoy’s cheek for a moment.  “You are back on active duty.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

“I will answer to the captain, later.”

They both walked out of Spock’s quarters.

*

“Captain Kirk! Two more Birds of Prey approaching,” Sulu said.

“Evasive action.”

“Eye sir.”

“Captain, we cannot outrun six Birds of prey,” Spock told him. “However the USS Valor is closing in on our location to render assistance.”

“I’m not planning on running, Mr. Spock.”

“Captain, shields are at fifty percent.”

“That’s not good enough, Mr. Chekov.”

“Eye sir! They’re coming around.  Our shields are down, Captain!”

“Klingon ship has their torpedos locked on target, Captain,” Spock called out.

“Mr. Sulu, fire phasers!”

A torpedo hit before the phaser fire rang out and the ship rolled.  The bridge crew went flying, before pulling themselves back into their seats. 

“Engine room,” Spock said. “However we did manage a direct hit on the Klingon ship.”

Kirk hit the comm button. “Scotty, report!”

*

Chaos everywhere.  Yet another casualty was brought into sickbay. One of them looked almost like Joanna.  Another was Ensign Stevenson. He had transferred to the Enterprise a year ago. He had suffered burns to his entire body but would live.

All the biobeds were taken and some make shift ones were set up.

During the course of the conflict, McCoy and M’Benga together helped treat the patients.  McCoy had performed emergency surgery on three more.  All the time his hands were as steady as a craftsman. 

Suddenly Nurse Chapel came into sickbay with yet another patient.  This time it was Ensign Harrison, Stevenson’s wife.  “I have one more for you, Doctor,” Chapel told him. “She’s in labor.”

“You my dear have perfect timing,” he told the ensign.  “Nurse get her prepped!”

He ran his hands under yet another sanitizing ray and prepared himself to bring in another life into this universe.

*

Several hours later the battle was over.  The USS Valor had shown up just in time.  The Enterprise had suffered a lot of damage.  Scotty as usual, the miracle worker, promised that everything would be up and running in a couple days.

*

Spock walked past the various patients as he entered sickbay.  As he entered the ward, he heard: “Push dammit!  That’s the head!  Here it comes!”

The baby’s crying came loud and clear throughout the sickbay.  A cheer rang out among the patients and staff. 

Spock came closer to find McCoy holding the baby in his arms.  He glanced up at Spock and smiled.  There was a tear running down his face.  He gave the baby back to the new mother.  “There you go.  A sweetheart for a sweetheart.”

“Thank you, Doctor!” she replied.  “Thank you for everything!  How’s my husband doing?”

“He’s doing just fine.  When he wakes up, I’ll wheel you over to his bed and you can show him the good news.”

McCoy went to the sanitizing ray, then wiped his hands with a towel.  “I think I’m about finished up here, Mr. Spock.  Let’s take a walk, shall we?”

“Acknowledged.”

When they reached McCoy’s office and into relative privacy, Spock laid a hand on him.  “Leonard, are you alright?”

McCoy grinned.  “I’m doing great.  I belong here.  In this crazy fucked up life.  Being the best damned doctor I can be.  I’m meant to be here on this ship.”

*

A few days later McCoy arrived in Spock’s quarters.  “Look Spock.  I am an alcoholic and I need to quit drinking.  I’ve already given myself an anti-craving hypo but it’ll still be a rough couple of weeks.”

“Acknowledged.  I shall help you in any way I can.”

“You already have, Sweetheart.  I’ve been a terrible partner.  I would like to ask if you would take me back. You don’t have to.  I’ll understand if you don’t. I know I screwed up...and I’m sorry.”

“Take you back?  That would imply that we had split up.”

“Hadn’t we?”

“No.”

They stared at each other for a long time.  McCoy stepped forward and pushed Spock against the bulkhead.  “Well, then, If I’m still your boyfriend, I better start acting like one.”

He kissed the Vulcan, his tongue sliding into Spock’s mouth.  They made out for what seemed like an eternity. 

After they broke apart, Spock asked: “Are you certain that you are ready for this?”

“Ready?  Spock we haven’t done it in two months.  I think I’m ready.” He pushed his hips against Spock.  “You feel that?  Feel how much I want you?”

Spock nodded.  McCoy gave an evil grin and claimed the Vulcan’s mouth once again. 

McCoy took the science officer to the sleeping area and pushed him down on the bed. He pulled off his uniform.  Spock removed his tunic and undershirt.  McCoy ran his hand over Spock’s hairy chest and fell on top of him.  He rolled over onto his back and pulled Spock over to him.  They kissed again as McCoy undid Spock’s uniform pants, pulling that and his underwear down.  They began to grind against each other.  The air was getting hot as their breathing got heavier and faster. 

“Spock, I want you inside me, right now.”

Spock kicked off his uniform pants and pulled off McCoy’s. He picked up the tube of lube from the drawer in his nightstand.  He squeezed some onto his hand and rubbed some on his fingers. 

McCoy got up onto all fours.  “Hurry up, Spock.  I need you.”

Spock prepared the doctor.  McCoy moaned as the digits moved in and out of his anus.  “Two fingers,” he whispered.

“Get those fingers out of me and get that cock in my ass, stat,” McCoy demanded.

Spock withdrew his fingers, rubbed lube on his shaft and positioned himself against the doctor’s hole.  At first he was gentle. 

“Faster!”

With that he thrusted harder and faster, back and forth like a piston.  McCoy gasped and moaned.  “Yeah, like that, Spock.  Just like that.”

Spock came inside of McCoy and slumped over him.  McCoy caught his breath a moment, then said:  “Finish the job.”

“Of course.”

Spock flipped the doctor around to lay on his back.  He laid down between the man’s legs and took the throbbing organ into his mouth.  No more Brewer’s Droop.  He deep throated the man’s boner all the while circling his tongue around it. 

“Oh God, Spock.  Just like that.  Yeah, just like that!  Oh...I’m almost there...oh shit I’m coming.”

Spock let the man’s juices squirt into his throat.  He took every last drop.  He flopped down next to McCoy and put his arm around him, holding him close.

*

They lay there much later, half asleep when McCoy said:  “Thank you, Spock, for the treatment.”

“Did it help?”

“Yes.  I guess the next thing is to send a message back to Joanna.”

“You never replied to her?”

“Not yet.  I was too much in shock.”

“Leonard, may I suggest something?”

“Shoot.”

“Do not say much.  Be honest with her but short and to the point.  It seems she might be expecting a long message.”

“I was thinking the same thing.  She said to respond whenever I was ready to.  I thought maybe telling her...I don’t know.”

“Tell her that you respect her wishes and that you are sorry.  Tell her that if she changes her mind that you will still be here.”

“And that I love her.  You been reading my mind?”

“Negative.”

“Spock,” McCoy said.  “I love you.”

“I love you, Leonard.”

The two lay there for a while when Spock grew silent.

“What’s the matter, Spock?”

“Nothing is the matter. I am merely glad that you realize that the crew needs you on this ship.  The captain needs you.  I need you, Leonard.”

“I need you all too,” McCoy said.  “Especially you, Spock.”

The two rolled over onto their sides and spooned.  They fell asleep embracing one another.

_______

The End