Title: Since I am Myself My Own Fever

Author: Servatia

Rating: NC-17

Series: TOS

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the universe, and my own mind owns me, which is why this happened.

Warning: h/c, explicit sex; mention of rape, hence for a while this is quite dark

Summary: After effectively and knowingly sabotaging his relationship with Spock, Leonard McCoy wants nothing more than to get back what he lost. Only Spock doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Set between TMP and TwoK. I usually alter perspective, but here I stuck with Bones as mirror character throughout. The title is from Purcell’s I attempt from love’s sickness, a soprano air in the opera The Indian Queen.

Like everyone else, I like feedback. Extra points for figuring out why the Lopterians have a knot for a symbol.

Since I am Myself My Own Fever

I attempt from Love’s sickness to fly in vain,

Since I am myself my own fever and pain.

No more now, fond heart, with pride no more swell,

Thou canst not raise forces enough to rebel.

For Love has more power and less mercy than fate,

To make us seek ruin and love those that hate.

Leonard sat in his cabin, placing personal items on shelves and the desk, trying to make the room feel like a home. It was larger than the cabin on the first mission, but still … it wasn’t Georgia. ‘What the hell were you thinking, Leonard?’ he asked.

‘You were thinking that your old friend needs you if he’s going to spend another five years in space. That you’re the best CMO I could have and that you weren’t going to deprive me of that.’ Leonard spun, heart racing. He hadn’t heard Jim enter.

‘If you scare me to death you’ll need another CMO after all. Can’t you shout or something?’

‘Hi, Bones, I’m here!’ Jim called with a grin. ‘Sorry, I didn’t want to startle you.’ Leonard waved him away. ‘You know, I wonder why you agreed.’ Leonard shrugged. There was really just one reason, but he wasn’t going to tell Jim just what that was.

‘Spur of the moment, really.’ He stepped up to Jim with his arms folded. ‘Unable to resist that hurt puppy look you get when you want something.’ Jim scowled at him.

‘Forgive me for hoping I won’t be out here alone without the people I love the most.’

‘You have Spock, and he seems to be back to his normal self.’ Except not towards me, a savage little voice in Leonard’s head added. The remark did nothing to wipe the unhappy look from Jim’s face.

‘Yes, but … If either of you hadn’t agreed it wouldn’t be the same.’

‘It isn’t the same. You’re an Admiral.’

‘And Spock is a Captain, and you’re a Commander. So nothing’s changed in relation.’ He was right of course. Jim’s rank made no difference because it made no difference to Jim. Leonard felt guilty for what he said but knew better than to apologise for something so trivial. He didn’t feel like getting laughed at. ‘Bones, what’s wrong. Do you regret staying here?’ Leonard smiled, and it was real.

‘No, Jim, I don’t regret it. I … want to be here.’

‘So business as usual?’ The smile widened.

‘Dinner together when possible, I have to start a ship wide search for you whenever I need to examine you, I get to be on the bridge when sickbay doesn’t need me … or do we follow protocol and I stay put and among those of my own kind?’ Jim tutted.

‘Do you need me to grovel some more? You’re a cruel man, Bones. Like I said. Business as usual.’ Leonard watched him leave and heard a chuckle when the door closed between them. He felt a lot better than before. What he had said about Spock being back to normal wasn’t even true. The Vulcan was a lot more open than before his departure to Gol. Leonard had wanted to talk to him for a while but couldn’t bring himself to visit. Only when Jim had asked him to join on another five year assignment he had agreed, making up his mind to get at least their friction-heavy friendship back. So far, he hadn’t been very successful. Not that he had tried too hard. Or at all.

After adding the final touches to his cabin, Leonard headed out into the corridor and, with a deep breath, walked to the next door. He announced himself and waited for the deep voice to say, ‘Enter.’

It was like stepping back into the past. The lights were low, dark red drapes covered the walls, the firepot was back in place, it’s shadow transformed into a monstrous creature. The temperature was high but not unbearable. ‘What do you require, Doctor?’ Doctor … had he hoped that Spock would call him Leonard? Well, yes, damn it, he had.

‘Nothing, Spock,’ he said lightly. ‘Just wanted to pay a visit.’ One eyebrow rose as if that were a surprise. ‘Is it so inconceivable that I want to make a social call?’

‘Not inconceivable, but unexpected.’ The Vulcan sounded so cold, so distant, Leonard wanted to turn back and flee, but he stood his ground.

‘Well, I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I’ve got to be in sickbay in a few minutes anyway.’ He had almost reached the door when Spock spoke again.

‘I did not believe you would return to this ship. I have to admit that the surprise is a pleasant one.’ Warmth spread through Leonard from his heart into his very toes. He turned and smiled at the Vulcan.

‘You know how Jim gets. He’s hard to resist.’

‘Indeed. You have been my physician for a sufficient time to know my needs. I would not be as comfortable with another who may have experience with Vulcans but not with my hybrid physiology.’

‘Don’t worry, Spock. I’m familiar enough with that green blood of yours.’

ϡ

‘You know this could have ended a lot worse for you,’ Leonard said calmly to the ensign. She had the grace to look dejected. ‘The safety protocol exists for a reason. You’re too young to die because you neglect it.’ His voice was as gentle as he managed in the face of complete foolishness. ‘This time it’s just a burn, next it could be radiation or who knows what.’

‘I’m sorry.’ He smiled.

‘Well, you’re good to go.’ She hesitated for a moment and he tilted his head. ‘Anything else I can do for you?’

‘Is this … are you reporting me?’ Leonard sighed.

‘No. Of course not. Just be more careful in the future, will you?’ His concern was real. He was a healer at heart, and if he couldn’t heal someone it ate at him. It was one of the reasons why he had left space. In a small office of his own he never had so many casualties to deal with.

After the ensign left he allowed himself a sigh. ‘Leonard, please go. Your shift is long over.’ Christine Chapel’s voice was soft and soothing. He smiled at her, but it wouldn’t appease her. ‘It’s been a long day. You’re working too hard.’ That was definitely not what was so troubling. After his short visit to the Vulcan where he’d been told that it was a good thing he was here, there was nothing. Not the smallest ghost of a smile, no trace of their light banter. Spock was dry and occasionally almost cruel in his slights against Leonard’s emotionality.

‘Don’t mother me,’ he said more gruffly than he had intended, but Christine knew him long enough not to be hurt.

‘I said go. Medical order. Now.’ Her tone was gentle, but there was no doubt she meant business. Leonard huffed and left for his quarters. One look into the mirror was enough to tell him that she had been right. He needed to sleep.

‘Way to go, Leonard,’ he told his image. ‘Work yourself to a cripple, that’ll impress him. Try not yelling at the tiniest teasing. Try being his friend again, how’s that sound?’ Angry at himself, Leonard banged his fist against the sink and returned to his sleeping area. If he got enough rest he’d be less irritable.

When the intercom woke him, he felt as if he’d only just lain down. In truth, it had been five and a half hours. Nowhere near enough. Groaning, Leonard dragged himself to the console. ‘McCoy here,’ he said, his speech slurred from sleep.

‘Bones, I need you in the transporter room.’ Jim’s voice sounded concerned enough for him not to argue. Dressing quickly, he hurried over and faced Jim and Spock already there. ‘Accident in the science lab on the Nal space station. You’re beaming over, Spock’ll help them get the situation under control, you’ll see to the injured.’ Leonard’s training kicked in, waking him.

‘Do we know anything more?’ Jim nodded and rattled off a report about what substance had leaked in the sickbay, that the medical staff had the most severe cases and was all but incapacitated. It all sounded strange. The substance had nothing to do in a sickbay, God knew what fool had put it there. Leonard would give the staff a good talking to once he was done.

When he and Spock arrived on the space station, Leonard realised that something was off, but he couldn’t point his finger at it. Something about the man greeting them … Leonard shook the feeling off. He was tired, that was all. ‘Please follow me, doctor, sickbay’s just in here. Mr Spock, the contamination is over there in the next room.’ Leonard did as he was asked. As far as he could see, every biobed held a patient, the most prominent one the Captain of the space station. The feeling of unease increased. ‘He was fine when he talked to Captain Kirk,’ Leonard said. ‘What happened to him?’ The man who had led Leonard into sickbay hadn’t introduced himself. Leonard looked at him again, and now he saw it: an insignia, small and insignificant at first glance. Stitched into the hem of the man’s shirt was the symbol of a rather chaotic knot, done in the same colour as the shirt and only visible because of the slight elevation. Fear rose in Leonard’s chest, not so much for his own safety but for Spock’s. He heard the answer to his question on the edge of his perception, telling him that apparently the stress had been too much for the elderly man. Absently, he nodded and approached the still figure. Forcing himself to focus, he took the Captain’s readings. According to them, it might be true. There was no substance in his system that would cause such symptoms, but the tricorder showed circulatory insufficiency. Nothing that couldn’t be controlled for the moment. In the long run, it was questionable if a man in such a condition could head a space station. ‘Who is the second in command?’

‘I am. Commander Vetala.’ Leonard nodded and took cursory glances at all the patients. It wasn’t as bad as he’d expected.

‘I’ll contact our ship for a quick report.’ He did as he had announced and flipped open his communicator. ‘McCoy to Bridge.’

‘Bridge here,’ Jim said calmly, blissfully unaware of what was the real problem down Leonard’s end. He had to be very careful.

‘It’s not as bad as it looked. I’ll be finished in about fifteen minutes. Have the transporter stand by. And to be safe, have a medical team ready in the transporter room, just in case something goes wrong with the decontamination process.’ He prayed fervently that Jim wasn’t going to ask what on earth might go wrong. ‘See that there’s no-one else in the transporter room but medical staff, not even the engineering guy. If we’re contaminated we need no-one else afflicted.’ Jim was silent for a moment.

‘Of course, doctor. Everything else all right down there?’

‘Sure Captain, situation’s under control. McCoy out.’ Vetala was frowning slightly.

‘Doesn’t the transporter beam decontaminate you?’ Leonard nodded.

‘Yes. But we’ve had cases where that didn’t work out as it should and I’d rather not take risks.’ If Vetala realised that Leonard was on to him, he was dead. He ignored the thought and got to work. He had to get out, but most of all, he had to get Spock out. And somehow he had to tell Jim that he might have to find the Vulcan with the scanners, because he was unlikely to still be in possession of his communicator.

Treating the contamination was easy. A few people had died, and Leonard assumed that they had been the targets of the attack. For that was what this was: a crime, a vicious, hateful crime against people who didn’t believe the human race was superior. When he was done, Leonard realised he had to be quick. ‘McCoy to Enterprise,’ he said quietly. Vetala had left him, not for long, Leonard was sure, but he had a moment. He forced himself not to think what Vetala was probably doing as he spoke.

‘Kirk here.’

‘Jim don’t ask me any questions right now, just trust me. I need you to find Vulcan readings and beam Spock back that way. You won’t find him with the communicator. Get me back up, too, I’m done and don’t feel like lingering here.’

‘Bones wh…’ Jim fell silent. ‘At once.’ When he felt the familiar sensation of the transporter, Leonard was torn between relief and dread of what he would have to deal with on the ship.

ϡ

The only reason why Leonard’s hands weren’t shaking was because they were clutching the armrests of his chair so tightly his knuckles were white. Jim had placed a brandy in front of him, but he hadn’t touched it. His voice was rough and his dialect thick with something more than too little sleep. He felt as if there was a huge void in his mind, spreading and infecting his emotions. He didn’t feel anything, and that alone nearly incapacitated him. ‘The Lopterians,’ he said, ‘started a couple of years ago. They didn’t want the Betazoids to be allowed into the Federation because of their strong telepathy. They said allowing them in would mean all our thoughts were there for the reading, leaving humans defenceless.’ He swallowed. ‘They weren’t heard, grew quiet, and a long while after their first appearance and the admission of Betazed they returned as a well-organised group of criminals. Their views are still the same, only worse. They fear everything that’s not human. And telepathic races are anathema. They found out how you can hurt a telepath the most, and that’s what they do to them if they get them into their vile hands.’

‘What were they doing on the Nal space station?’ Jim asked quietly. The Captain’s voice was a quint lower than normally, a certain sign that he was beyond fury.

‘I don’t know. And I don’t care, Jim. That’s for the law to find out. I’m just telling you what I know about them.’

‘How did you know it? I never heard of them.’ Leonard sighed.

‘I had other victims of their malice on my hands. In my time with the Fabrini we had an incident.’ His voice dropped to barely above a whisper. ‘One man and one woman killed themselves. Jim, I have no idea what such an act does to a Vulcan. I just don’t know.’ Jim swallowed.

‘Probably what it does to anyone else. How is he, physically?’

‘Healing trance. Tissue damage’s been repaired, but the real problem is his soul.’ Leonard struggled to get the picture of Spock out of his head, lying prone, naked, and unconscious on the transporter pad with his legs spread wide and blood and something else he refused to think about all over his buttocks and pooling between them. He had expected it, but that hadn’t prepared him for the real thing. The medical personnel had acted with perfect professionalism, but Jim had done something Leonard had never seen him do: He had been frozen with shock, unable to speak or react until McCoy had thrown him out of the transporter room, raining curses on him for being there. ‘Did we find any others that aren’t human?’

‘Our scanners didn’t.’ Leonard rubbed his hands over his face. In hindsight, he was glad that Jim knew. It gave him someone to talk to.

‘Jim, what do I do with him? How the hell do I help him?’ A gentle hand was placed on Leonard’s shoulder.

‘He’ll get over this, Bones. He’s not the first rape victim.’ Leonard shook his head.

‘You’re not getting this, are you? He’s a telepath, for God’s sake. He felt all the hatred, revulsion, whatever else, these men held for him. It’s worse for him than for a human, and don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hell for a human.’

‘Bones, if I’d sent you with a human from our science department …’

‘Nothing would have happened. I’d have seen their sign, I’d have told you, but no-one else would have been harmed. We would have reported to Starfleet command and they’d investigate just as they are now, but without one of our own abused like that. You had no way of knowing, Jim. It’s my fault if anyone’s. I saw the man and knew there was something amiss, but it didn’t get through the thick skull of mine. I saw the knot on his shirt but I couldn’t place it.’ He stared right into Jim’s eyes. ‘It’s my fault that Spock’s been raped. Mine alone.’ Jim walked quickly around the desk and grabbed Leonard’s shoulders.

‘You listen to me now. It’s the fault of those who did it, not yours. You did the only thing you could, kept your head and worked as fast as you could without raising their suspicions and making them kill both you and him. You saved his life.’

‘I don’t think he’s going to thank me for that.’ Leonard sighed. ‘I … I’d like to be alone, Jim.’ After a moment’s hesitation, his friend nodded.

‘All right, Bones. Tell me if anything changes.’

ϡ

Leonard was so bone-weary he managed to forget setting an alarm. When he woke, it was the afternoon of the next day, and he still felt tired. He hurried into sickbay to find that Spock’s trance had deepened to a level he had never seen before. He scanned him repeatedly but found nothing wrong. He wondered why the Vulcan had put himself into a healing trance in the first place. His injuries had never been critical. There was only one way to find out: He sent out a request to Starfleet command to be contacted by a Vulcan healer as soon as was at all possible.

It took only four hours. The healer introduced herself as a Reldai. Leonard explained that after a visit to a space station he had a sick Vulcan on his hands, who had minor injuries but still somehow ended up in a healing trance. He formulated it that way to make her think it was not Spock. That they both travelled with Kirk was known far and wide, and he didn’t want to draw attention to the identity of the injured Vulcan. Leonard proceeded to explain that instead of showing signs of waking up, his patient was slipping deeper into what would be a coma unless stopped. The Reldai contemplated his words, her face showing nothing on the viewscreen.

‘Were the injuries of your patient only physical?’ Leonard’s eyebrows shot up.

‘No,’ he said carefully.  ‘My patient has been raped by at least four men.’ That estimate was optimistic, but ultimately it didn’t matter how many precisely they had been.

‘I thought so,’ the Reldai told him coolly. ‘In that case, there is nothing you can do. Let him go.’ For a moment, Leonard was speechless.

‘What? Is that how you lot deal with this?’

‘Not all Vulcans would take such an extreme measure, but it is his right. If he cannot live with what happened, if he cannot control the turmoil, he will end it the one way he can.’ Leonard shook his head.

‘No. No way.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Can I break this trance?’

‘I am certain that there are chemicals that can do that, but I do not advise you to. His reaction might be violent. And if he truly desires to die, you cannot stop him.’

‘Well, he’s welcome to explain the logic of suicide to me. But I won’t stand by and watch him slip away like that.’ He reigned himself in. ‘Thank you, Reldai. McCoy out.’

Determined and with something to do, Leonard went back to the room he had moved Spock into. Jim was sitting at his bedside, talking to him about something inconsequential, letting him feel that he was not alone. Ignoring the visitor, Leonard produced a hypospray with a stimulant strong enough to wake a corpse. ‘Good that you’re here,’ he said darkly. ‘I’m waking that green-blooded fool up.’ Jim stared at him. ‘This isn’t a healing trance. This is a suicide.’ Jim went sheet white.

‘Oh God.’

‘Yes. Oh God.’

‘Please don’t yell at him.’ Leonard applied the hypo and glared at Jim.

‘What do you think I am?’ Pulling up a second chair on Spock’s other side, Leonard seated himself, eyes glued to the life signs that were slowly trickling up to something more like sleep, then, suddenly alertness. Spock awoke violently, staring at both of them and nearly falling off the biobed. Leonard had the sense not to touch him, but Jim had his hands on the Vulcan, holding him firmly.

‘Spock, calm down. You’re safe. You’re home.’ The Captain’s voice was quiet and soothing, and somehow it worked. The Vulcan relaxed, and his eyes travelled to Leonard. He knew his expression was as defiant as he felt, standing there with the empty hypo in his hand as evidence.

‘Sorry. No, actually, I’m not sorry.’ He looked at Jim. ‘Please leave us for a moment, will you?’ The Captain turned one last worried glance on Spock and left, albeit reluctantly. ‘Spock … this isn’t the end of the world. And it sure as hell shouldn’t be the end of your life.’ The Vulcan turned his face away. Leonard sat down again, keeping a distance he hoped let Spock be as comfortable as was at all possible under the circumstances.

‘You had no right.’

‘Spock, I am a doctor. I have not only the right to save my patients, it’s my goddamn duty.’

‘How many saw me like this?’

‘Three of my medical team not counting myself and Jim.’ He swallowed. ‘I told him to send everyone else away, and that made him worried enough to wait with them. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do anything else. If I’d tried to get us out they’d have killed you.’ For a moment, Spock didn’t react to that, then he turned and looked at Leonard.

‘Really, doctor?’ Something loosened in Leonard’s soul. It was dark, angry, cold humour Spock displayed, but it was definitely there. Leonard smiled, only very slightly, but from the bottom of his heart and moved a little closer. Spock didn’t flinch away. Instead, he turned his arm slightly, so that his palm was up, his elbow angled. Leonard wondered if this was a wish for contact and if he’d dare to take it as such. Spock’s eyes held an expression he couldn’t name, but it was definitely an emotion. After his trip to Gol, Spock had been cold and distant with him, even as he grew more familiar with the rest of the crew. Now he was vulnerable and hurt, and Leonard feared nothing more than to make it worse. The hand closed to a loose fist and was returned to lie parallel to Spock’s body. Intuition took control, and Leonard reached out, taking it gently, watching for any sign of discomfort. None came. When Spock spoke again, Leonard had to lean forward to hear him. ‘You think I am a machine. You think that this is nothing to me. You think that I will shrug it off like one of your insults.’ The words stung horribly, but Leonard felt he deserved them. Squeezing the hand slightly, he shook his head.

‘No. I don’t think any of these things. Not really.’ He stared into space. ‘I … I wish I could make you forget this. I would if I could. I know that this is actually worse for you than for a human, and I can’t help you.’ The hand, always cooler than a human’s but now way too cold due to the still slightly subdued pulse, squeezed back.

‘I do not … That I wanted to stop my heart was a harsh reaction. I do not believe that I still want to die. Thank you.’ Relief flooded Leonard in a tidal wave.

‘Good. Then I can take my leave and see to my other duties without having to monitor you?’ A small nod was all the answer he got. After a final squeeze of Spock’s hand he let it go and felt instantly bereft. ‘I’ll check back with you in a while. I need to file a report.’

‘Doctor …’

‘I won’t mention this. I’ll say you had minor injuries and they were treated.’

‘Thank you.’

ϡ

Leonard had done what he would do for any patient who went through an ordeal like this: He heavily recommended him to take counselling and only put him back on duty because Spock requested it, stating it would give him something else to think about. On the surface, the Vulcan seemed fine, but Leonard didn’t buy it. He acted differently. Towards Jim and the rest of the old crew there was little change, but he seemed to stick even closer to them than the rest over the next few weeks. And for the first time since his return from Vulcan, he seemed to count Leonard as a friend.

The truth, however, was, that the doctor knew this wasn’t all. The Vulcan came to sickbay occasionally with things he could have sent a yeoman for. And when he came, he made sure it was a time when McCoy was all but alone there. He avoided the gym if it was occupied, too. The reason for that was as obvious as it was frightening.

Leonard had, in the aftermath of events, tried to do research on how Vulcans dealt with rape. The answer was intriguing. It seemed they suffered severely during sexual assault, more so than humans simply because of their telepathy. Leonard had figured as much. That was why some of them shut down their bodies like Spock had tried. However, their minds were so used to dealing with wild emotions, they did with the incident what they did with all unwanted feeling: They looked at it from all angles and filed it away. As Spock had told him, Vulcans didn’t need counselling. They needed a little bit of time and meditation to deal with the foreign anger and hatred and then they were good. Humiliation occurred during the act, not after it. Pain was physical and could be healed. Shame was what the attacker should feel, not the victim. Vulcans knew that and had the mental discipline to use that knowledge to come to terms with the assault.

Now, for the first time, it seemed that Spock’s human half came back to bite him. He felt shame. Shame at having lain exposed as he had been on the transporter pad. Shame at having succumbed to the humans in the first place. And Leonard was pretty sure he was going through the entire mess a human in his situation would feel, illogical as it was: feeling dirty, worthless, defiled. He was trying hard not to show it, but to Leonard it was glaringly obvious. And he had no idea if it was worse to ignore this or to call him on it.

Another thing was what McCoy, in turn, felt. Nothing new there. He had been in love with the man for a very long time. He had never said as much. Spock never would have touched him if he’d known. During their encounters in the past Leonard had struggled hard not to feel, and Spock had shielded all the time anyway, allowing no exchange of emotions. If he had wanted any confirmation that Vulcans were perfectly able to have sex without commitment, he sure got it. It still puzzled him why Spock had been jealous of Natira, with whom Leonard had never actually slept. One option was that he regarded Leonard as a possession, but that didn’t seem like Spock. Another, more likely option, was that he feared Leonard would catch some sort of infection from her. On the other hand, it did not puzzle Leonard that Spock fucked the hell out of Zarabeth in Sarpeidon’s ice age. It had been a while. They had slept together the first time right after Leonard had accidentally blinded Spock – how the hell they had gone from each telling the other it wasn’t his fault to sex still baffled him. They had slept together the last time … before Yonada. Then, slowly, they had been getting back on better terms until suddenly it was all over, culminating in Spock’s departure to Gol.

A nagging voice in Leonard’s mind said that he should know what drove the Vulcan away. Another voice said that it was probably that once he did transmit his emotions and Spock ran away from them.

If Leonard was honest with himself, it was more astonishing that they’d lasted that long than that it had ended eventually. When Spock had told them on the bridge that he was engaged, Leonard had thought something died inside him. He was relieved when T’Pring rejected Spock, he was beyond relief when Jim came to on the ship after being, in fact, clinically dead for a few moments. He’d sworn to himself to tell Spock the truth then, but he never did, luckily. If he had, it would have been over then and there.

But these thoughts didn’t serve him or Spock. The last thing the Vulcan needed now was a lovesick doctor. He needed a friend. And he needed to face the truth. So Leonard shoved the unwanted feelings from his mind as he made his way to Spock’s quarters, where he was only allowed in after saying who he was. That, too, was new and not a good sign.

‘What do you require, Doctor?’ Spock asked. Leonard rolled his eyes.

‘I require nothing. I just wanted to talk to you.’ Spock was sitting on the floor in his meditation robe. ‘If I disturbed you I’ll come back later.’ The Vulcan shook his head.

‘No, I was finished.’

‘Did it help?’ An eyebrow rose in response to that question. ‘It’s like this, Spock. I see you foundering and I wonder if I can help you swim.’ For a moment it seemed that Spock would mock him for the picture, but then his shoulders slumped in a very atypical manner.

‘I cannot seem to cope with the events on Nal.’ The admission had to cost Spock an enormous amount of strength. Leonard lowered himself to the floor opposite from him.

‘Maybe you’re trying too hard to deal with it the Vulcan way. You’re part human. You’ve got to experience the emotions, not shove them aside.’

‘Experiencing emotions has only ever brought me pain on the few occasions I tried.’ Leonard sighed.

‘Maybe, but it can be rather cathartic.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Talk to me. I know you trust me. Let me help you.’

‘Are you here as a counsellor or as a friend?’ Leonard thought for a moment.

‘Whichever you prefer.’

‘I … as a counsellor.’ Leonard nodded. ‘I am concerned about my own inability to forget what happened. When I sleep, I relive it. I do not normally dream, but now I do. The frequency of the dreams is, however, decreasing.’

‘Good. So your brain knows what to do. Don’t worry, it’ll get better.’ He reached out and ran a hand down Spock’s arm. ‘And forgetting it isn’t something you should try. You will never forget it, Spock. Time heals all wounds, they say. And for these things it’s true. It’s a slow process, but you’re strong. You’ll manage.’

‘I … feel disgraced.’ Leonard nodded slowly.

‘While that is normal, it is something you need to stop.’ He would never have said that to a human, but this man was Vulcan enough to need just that. ‘Again, this is your human half, Spock. Do not suppress it, but cope with it. You have not changed. Your body has been restored and cleaned. They couldn’t touch your soul, for that is incorruptible. It’s your psyche that’s afflicted.’ He leaned closer. ‘Be logical, Spock. You are the same man you were before you went to Nal. You were hurt, I healed you. People on this ship have seen you injured before, this is no different but for the place of the injury.’

‘I do not want pity.’

‘Spock, five people on this ship know what happened. Four of them are doctors, the fifth is Jim. I feel sorry for you and wish you didn’t have to go through this, but not one of us is going to handle you with kid gloves. And the rest? They’re more intimidated by you than you are by them.’

‘There is no need for that.’

‘You’re more forbidding than ever. They don’t know you wouldn’t hurt a fly.’

‘I need to consider this.’ Leonard smiled slightly.

‘You do that.’

‘Doctor, I would ask something else of you. Not as a doctor.’

‘Anything.’

‘Why?’ Again, Leonard was made acutely aware that he was not facing a pure Vulcan. This question and the way it was delivered was entirely human.

‘Well. You know what they were?’

‘Lopterians.’

‘It’s what they do to telepaths.’ It seemed as if that satisfied Spock, but then he continued.

‘I have asked myself why when I first heard of them. I never found an answer. I had hoped now I would.’ Leonard was amazed at how innocent Spock sometimes was. Here he was, incredibly intelligent, yet unable to grasp such a simple thing because he just wasn’t like that at all.

‘Because they wanted you to feel exactly as you do right now. They are afraid of telepathy and use it against you. Their hatred incapacitates you if the transmission is strong enough, and there is no stronger transmission than during sex, consensual or not. That aside, that kind of crime is always about power. Taking power from the victim. The motivation isn’t sexual.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m afraid there is no better reason. This isn’t a normal way to think, let alone act.’

‘Actually, Doctor, I disagree. It has always astounded me how aggressive human male sexuality generally is.’

‘Well, Vulcan male sexuality didn’t present itself as something very meek to me if I think of your wedding.’

‘The state I was in occurs once every seven years, and it is only violent if the need to mate is unsatisfied for too long.’ Maybe he imagined it, but maybe Spock’s tone sounded slightly hurt. That was the last thing Leonard wanted.

‘Well, you certainly weren’t violent with me,’ he said softly without any real idea what he expected. Perhaps that Spock ignored his remark. Perhaps he’d been delusional enough to think he’d earn a smile, a tiny, subtle, maybe-at-a-later-time kind of shift in the Vulcan’s expression. He did not expect what he received: a genuinely puzzled look.

‘Of course not, Doctor. It would never occur to me to approach you in such a manner to begin with.’

ϡ

For the next two months, Leonard tried to find where that statement had come from. So far he was unsuccessful. Vulcans didn’t suppress memories. That ability was a solely human one, and from what Leonard knew of Spock, his human half should be too subdued for that. So it made no sense for him to act as if there never had been anything other than camaraderie between the two of them.

Half-heartedly, Leonard followed the investigation of the events on Nal. Apparently, they had been going to host a delegation of Betazoids, and the Lopterians had come to stop that from happening. They had poisoned the negotiators that had asked that Nal have the honour to host the strongly telepathic people and had intended to mask their attempts as an accident so they could then abduct the Betazoids and have their way with them. How the investigators had found that out or what had happened with the Lopterians on Nal he didn’t want to know. He’d only fuel his desire for vengeance.

Watching Spock’s recovery was much more satisfactory. He finally managed to get his Vulcan approach on the incident going and dealt with events. He no longer shunned people and told Leonard that his sleep was again undisturbed. He did, however, request that he might take a short shore leave at a place with a Vulcan healer. Leonard logged the request, knowing Spock would be granted it. Again, Leonard was glad Jim had been there. That way he wouldn’t ask any questions.

When Spock returned from his break, it seemed that nothing had changed. Maybe he was a little more pensive than usually, but that was to be expected. He would have gone through whatever counselling a Vulcan healer offered on such matters, and that might have left him thoughtful. At this time, Leonard had no opportunity to think about it. There had been an encounter with a slave trader and a battle. Now they had casualties among their own men and ten malnourished slaves from various planets, including a Romulan woman who was in such bad shape that Leonard doubted if they had to worry what to do with her at all.

It was one of those situations where Leonard felt he should have stayed on Earth. He had hoped he would get back what he had with Spock, but the more he thought about it, the less he thought he wanted that. It hadn’t been what he truly needed. He wanted something deep, wanted love. ‘Doctor, Mister Spock would like to speak with you,’ Christine said, tearing Leonard from his thoughts. He sighed.

‘Tell him … Ah, well, I’ll just go. Not getting anywhere with the report today anyway.’ Giving what he had written so far up as a bad job, Leonard switched off his computer without saving and headed out. ‘What can I do for you?’

‘I would speak with you about my talk with the healer.’

‘A Reldai?’ Spock raised an eyebrow.

‘No. A Hakausu. A Reldai is a priestess.’ Leonard blinked.

‘Really? When I wanted to talk to a Vulcan healer they gave me a Reldai.’ He shrugged. ‘Doesn’t matter, she wasn’t very helpful anyway. Where would you like to have this conversation?’

‘My quarters, if you do not mind. Sickbay is too public for my taste.’ Leonard led the way. ‘Why did you wish to speak to a Reldai?’ Spock asked. Leonard’s eyes flicked over to Spock.

‘I wanted to speak to a healer, apparently they figured out I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. And why … What do you think why? I had a Vulcan in a healing trance that did nothing to heal him.’

‘Ah. I see. I do not believe she would have approved of your actions.’ Leonard snorted.

‘I’m still not sorry.’

‘Neither am I.’ For a short time they were both silent until the door to Spock’s cabin closed behind them. ‘Doctor … over the past few weeks I have had the increasingly strong impression that there were things that I failed to understand. I reasoned that it was because of my time in Gol and dismissed it. The impression, however, increased after the events on Nal. That is why I wanted to see a healer.’ Leonard sat down on one of the two chairs at his desk and gestured towards the other. He immediately felt quite preposterous for offering Spock his own chair.

‘If humans puzzle you, shouldn’t you ask one of us? I doubt if a Vulcan healer can help you figure out such illogical beings.’

‘He cannot. But he can help figure out why I even require aid.’ Spock studied his fingers when he continued. ‘I have spent sufficient time among your kind to understand humans. And yet, you, Doctor, confused me. The healer believes that I failed in my attempt to reach Kolinahr because I simply could not. I am too much human for that. Instead of mastering my emotions, I suppressed them, and with them, memories associated with them.’

‘I thought that would be impossible for you,’ Leonard said earnestly.

‘It is for a true Vulcan, and it should be for me. It is not a healthy thing to do. This is why I did not recognise you as a friend even when I remembered that Jim and I had been close.’ To that, Leonard didn’t have an answer. He merely kept looking at Spock, wondering where this was going. ‘With the aid of the Hakausu, I remembered. I still lack details, but I have a picture. And piece by piece I have started to comprehend things you did prior to the incident on Nal, things you said. I came to the conclusion that we had a sexual relationship. Is that correct?’ The clinical way in which Spock said this was almost painful.

‘Yes, we did.’

‘Was it ever more than that?’ Leonard’s lips twitched.

‘No.’

‘You wished to continue this relationship, is that correct?’

‘Yeah, Spock. I hoped we could … Look, I don’t know what you’ve come to tell me, but I had a lot of time to think since we’ve both returned to this ship. I don’t think I want to go back to that.’

‘I agree. Such a relationship is not very logical.’ Leonard grinned.

‘I guess not, if you wish reproduction.’ Spock shook his head.

‘That has nothing to do with it. A bond is most frequently formed due to an arrangement the parents made. In that event, reproduction and survival are the intention. Another reason to form a bond is an emotional connection. Since we shared neither, there cannot be a bond.’ All this time Leonard had wanted to know if Spock maybe did feel more for him. Now he wished he had never heard the truth.

‘Apparently not.’ He smiled. ‘Well, we’re both adults, and it’s been a while ago anyway. But you’ll have to find a way to … you know. You’ll need someone eventually.’ Spock pursed his lips.

‘There will be a way. Luckily for me, I do not need to feel an emotional connection. As you told me, love is not written in my book.’ And now he was certain: Spock’s tone was bitter.

‘So you remember that one. Spock, I said that out of anger. Frankly, I don’t know if you can love. If you let yourself feel love.’ Leonard got back to his feet. ‘Look, I’ve had a long day. I … I guess it’s good you’ve got some of your memories back. It’s certainly good that you know better than to ever try annihilating your personality again. I need sleep.’ He hesitated. ‘So, is this it? Will your memories come back?’

‘Some of them will. After a while, I may require further assistance in recovering what is missing.’ Leonard nodded.

‘Well, good night, Spock. See you tomorrow.’ When he was already at the door, Leonard stopped and turned to look back at Spock. He hesitated for a moment, but the words came, whether he wanted to say them or not. ‘On a very few occasions I thought we might be more, you know. I thought you could love me back. I never told you that. All I ever say to you is what I think you lack. Maybe I really am a cruel man.’

‘You are, if you walk out of that door after those words.’ Spock had spoken very quietly, and for a moment Leonard stood completely motionless as if a part of his brain had short-circuited. Then he spun around and looked hard at the Vulcan, who was still seated and unmoving. ‘Perhaps I should rephrase what I said before. There cannot be a bond, because what I feel towards you is obviously unreciprocated.’ Slowly, Leonard took a few steps towards the Vulcan. It felt unreal. He was not hearing these words, he was dreaming or drunk.

‘What is it you feel?’

‘Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.’ Leonard halted, less than an arm’s length from Spock.

‘I … Spock, I don’t speak Vulcan.’

‘I cherish thee.’

‘What a language.’ He swallowed. ‘Look … This isn’t the time.’

‘This is the time. Stay here. I would prefer your presence to being alone.’

‘Are you afraid when you’re alone?’ Damn it, he couldn’t shut off being a doctor for one second.

‘I am not.’

‘Good. Still, it’s too early, Spock. You’re not completely past what happened.’ One corner of Spock’s mouth turned up minutely.

‘I did not suggest intercourse, Leonard. I merely requested your company. If you are uncomfortable with that …’

‘No. No … let me just … I’ll fetch a few things.’ He all but ran to the door, where he stopped for a moment. ‘Don’t go anywhere!’

ϡ

Leonard was not generally a patient man. He was quick to anger, had little tolerance for self-pity, and was occasionally feared by those who didn’t know that, in truth, he was a big softie. Not that he’d ever admit that last.

Given the fact that he and Spock had been intimate before, he had thought this would be tremendously difficult: to sleep next to the man and not do anything. But Leonard soon found that he could do it. He wanted to touch Spock all over, to kiss every inch of his body, to make love to him in every damn way known to him, but he knew that Spock needed time. At the same time, Spock wanted him near. That alone made Leonard’s spirits soar high above the clouds, at least as long as he kept the thought of how he had treated Spock towards the end from his mind. He would have to face that eventually, but before that became necessary, he wanted the Vulcan to feel how much he cared for him. Maybe then the good would outweigh the bad when the memories came back.

When Jim asked Leonard to join him in his quarters one evening, he entered with a spring in his steps. ‘Hey, what’s up, Jim boy?’ he asked. Jim frowned.

‘That. You’re way too cheerful. What’s going on?’ Taking a seat, Leonard laughed.

‘Can’t a man be happy without raising suspicions?’

‘Not you.’ Jim leaned back in his chair. ‘How’re your patients?’ Leonard sighed.

‘Well, most of them. They can be dropped off when we reach the next star base.’ The Romulan and two humans had died, the rest were recovering beautifully.

‘That will have to wait. We’ll reach the planet Melusine tomorrow. I’ll go down there with Spock, a security officer to follow protocol, and one more. I asked him for someone of his department. He requested you.’ Leonard smiled even wider.

‘Good! I’ll prepare …’

‘Stay seated, Bones. I’ll ask again: What is going on? When I told Spock I’d rather he take a scientist than the CMO he told me that we really needed you to come because you would collect toxin samples from the local fauna. What’s wrong with him? Does he need you around? Is he sick or is he just … still … so troubled from what happened?’ Leonard took a deep breath.

‘No. He’s not sick. And he’s still chewing on Nal, but that’s to be expected.’

‘I have a feeling that he’s clinging to you in a slightly unhealthy manner. Maybe you should assign someone else as his physician unless your knowledge of his workings are needed.’

‘It’s not like that.’ Leonard locked eyes with his oldest friend. ‘Trust me, Jim. If I thought it would be better for Spock to have another physician I’d be the first to say so.’

‘Bones … will he be all right?’ Leonard smiled.

‘Yes. He will. He’s strong, you know.’

‘Help him.’

‘I’m trying. So. Anything I need to bring aside from the obvious?’

‘No.’

‘Planet inhabited?’

‘Yes. By animals. Some even poisonous.’

‘Has it occurred to you that this really is why Spock said I should come down?’ Leonard asked with a smirk.

‘Yes. It just … felt different.’ Leonard grinned.

‘I wonder what he’d say to that. I’ll do some reading on that planet now.’

‘You do that.’ When the door closed behind Leonard he let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. If this … thing between him and Spock ever happened they had to tell Jim. He deserved to know. But now was not the time.

ϡ

Melusine was beautiful. There was no other word for it. Leonard felt more on shore leave than at work. If he remembered folklore correctly, Melusine was a water spirit of some sort. He could see why this name had been picked for the planet. Where they had beamed down, there was a lush forest with what Spock called cenotes. To Leonard they were caverns with water.

Mostly, he worked alone. Spock made cultures of bacteria of all sorts, Jim explored, and the security guy was glad he had the opportunity to be down here. One day he managed to get bitten by a spiderlike animal that caused his hand to turn green and swell to twice its size, but Leonard had an antidote for that particular poison already and no harm was done. Jim offered him to go back to the ship, but the officer said he was not going anywhere unless he was ordered. Jim, no doubt recognising himself in that, had laughed and patted him on the shoulder.

It was during the third night that Spock came crawling into Leonard’s tent, waking him and asking him to follow. Too drowsy to argue, Leonard did as he was bid and was led to a distant cenote, where Spock sat down, looking wistfully at the water. ‘I am not attempting to temporise with you,’ the Vulcan told him without preamble. Leonard glanced at the solemn face.

‘I know that,’ he told him seriously. ‘We’ve got time, Spock. I’m not that old yet.’ Slowly, the dark eyes turned to his, full of tenderness and something else.

‘I know you will not press me to do anything I am not comfortable with, and I appreciate it. But … if you wait for me to make the first step, it will be a while.’ The Vulcan’s voice dropped another notch. ‘I would be more prepared to reciprocate than to initiate contact, Leonard. I do not know how.’

‘You didn’t use to have a problem with initiating anything. It’s still me, you know.’

‘Yes. But our relationship is not the same, and my recollection of it is vague at best.’ A smile tugged at Leonard’s lips.

‘Thank God it’s not the same. It was so hard not to tell you how much I love you.’ He grew serious. Prompted by Spock’s words, he cupped the other man’s cheek. ‘I do, you know. I love you.’ He felt the nod more than he saw it. He hadn’t expected Spock to be able to say it back and was not disappointed by the silence. Maybe he would never hear it, but if he felt it that would be worth a lot more. He had heard the words from Jocelyn, even when they had already been a lie, even when she was screwing her former boyfriend behind his back. He didn’t need that. And he sure didn’t need thoughts of Jocelyn right now. The woman didn’t deserve even a second of his attention. ‘Can I kiss you, Spock?’ he asked quietly. Another tiny nod. Bringing his hand to the back of Spock’s head, he leaned in, and their lips touched. Leonard’s eyes closed. The contact was sweet and innocent, but it lit his insides on fire. He tried to keep that to himself, afraid to scare the Vulcan away with his desire.

‘I am not afraid of you, Leonard,’ Spock said promptly, and he chuckled.

‘That obvious, am I?’

‘I find that I am very attuned to your mind. It will be hard to stop a bond from forming if we are to copulate.’ Leonard winced.

‘Do me a favour and don’t call it that.’ The small smile on Spock’s face told him that he had reacted exactly the way Spock wanted him to. He burst into laughter. ‘You sneaky elf. You know exactly what buttons you must push.’ The fond regard he received warmed him from within.

‘Is that not a good thing?’ Now it was Leonard who nodded. Silence fell between them, but it was not uncomfortable. Feeling daring, Leonard flung an arm around Spock, fondling his neck with his fingers. A cool Vulcan hand landed on his thigh and he felt the blood rush south. This time, he didn’t try to shield. He was going to fail anyway. Gentle hands pushed Leonard backwards, and he lay down on the soft, warm soil. Spock looked at him and started exploring him through his clothes, running his hands down his chest, over his sides, his legs. Despite the torture this was, Leonard was determined to enjoy it. He hummed deep in his throat when the hands pried his legs apart, touching the inside of this thighs. ‘Is there anything you wish me to do?’ Spock’s voice drifted through a haze to his senses. There were a million things. None of them he was going to say.

‘I’m wondering … Do you recall how I like to be touched or is that intuition? Because you’re eliciting all sorts of feelings from me here.’

‘I … am recalling as it happens. I realise that the memories of our encounters are buried very deep.’ Forcing his eyes open, Leonard caught Spock’s hand and entwined their fingers.

‘I’m worried that I’ll lose you when you recall why we stopped … you know.’

‘Natira.’ Leonard swallowed. ‘I remember that. I had no right to be jealous.’ Natira was only a small part of the problem, but Leonard didn’t have the heart to tell Spock everything just now.

‘It would have been easier if you’d told me you actually cared,’ he said instead. ‘But the same is true for me, of course.’ Pulling the hand to his lips, Leonard continued. ‘I never said that I love you. I never said that you’re the most gentle, compassionate being I’ve ever met. I never said that for all your logic you’re loyal to a fault and that when you smile those small smiles … yes, that’s the one … you can light up the darkest night.’

‘Speaking of night,’ Spock said softly, ‘I believe we should return soon. You need to get up in four point three repeating hours.’ Leonard snorted.

‘God, what a way to say twenty minutes.’ He pushed himself up to a sitting position and pressed his lips to Spock’s again, letting the tip of his tongue slip over Spock’s lips. A ripple went through the Vulcan, and to Leonard’s surprise the lips opened to the intrusion. Hands clawing into the fabric of Spock’s shirt, Leonard deepened their kiss, the touch sensual and erotic without being demanding. When he broke away for air, he thought that sleep wouldn’t come easy. ‘Let’s go,’ he breathed. ‘Not that I want to, but we really should.’

ϡ

They spent two more days on the planet surface, but when Leonard thought back of that particular mission, he would always recall the last two nights. They returned to their cenote and watched the gentle wind rippling the surface. They talked about what they had found here, what knowledge they had gained and would still gain in the research they would continue on the ship. Leonard had gathered a wealth of poisons he intended to study for their value in medicine. Spock had detected a single cell organism that he assumed were mictic females, but only time would tell for sure.

Slowly, the scientific subjects had given way to caresses and kissing. Locking eyes with Spock to be sure he didn’t make the Vulcan uncomfortable, Leonard slipped one hand under his tunic and let his fingertips dance over bare skin. Spock’s heavy breathing spoke volumes. All the time he feared that Spock would stiffen and pull away. Instead, the Vulcan let his own hands roam. ‘Spock,’ Leonard whispered, craving more and hoping he wasn’t pushing too hard. ‘I’d like to see you.’

‘Here?’ Leonard swallowed.

‘Everyone sane is sleeping and out of earshot. But if you’re …’ A finger sealed his lips and Spock sat up, pulling his shirt over his head. Leonard noticed that Spock’s hands were shaking slightly, and he caught them, holding them firmly in his own. He let his eyes roam over the lightly furred chest. ‘Are you sure you’re all right with this?’ The Vulcan nodded once, and Leonard pulled him close, both arms around the deceptively slim torso, caressing his back, trying to soothe away the tension.

‘Leonard … it is all coming back to me. How I must have hurt you.’ Pulling back, Leonard took Spock’s face in both hands.

‘It’s all right, Spock. You’re here with me now. And it was my own fault.’

‘No. On Sarpeidon. That was not your fault.’ Leonard swallowed. He didn’t want those particular pictures in his mind.

‘Neither was it yours. It’s five thousand years in the past. Leave it there.’ Spock pulled away and hugged himself, a gesture that all but frightened Leonard.

‘I cannot. It is coming back.’ Swallowing, Leonard reached out, cupping Spock’s cheek.

‘This isn’t right. You need to see a healer.’ Spock was about to protest, but Leonard shook his head firmly. ‘You need help remembering all you suppressed. Once that is done, we’ll talk about this again. Until then … until then, I’d feel I’m taking advantage of you. If you still want me afterwards, I’ll be all the happier for it.’ For a moment, it looked as if Spock would protest, but then he nodded and regarded Leonard with such affection his confidence that Spock would not turn away from him returned. He went to sleep happily that night.

ϡ

Back on the ship, Leonard headed straight for his quarters. He was tired after two nights of too little sleep. At their parting, Spock’s hand had brushed his and the Vulcan had graced him with a small smile.

The moment Leonard got comfortable on his bunk, the intercom beeped. ‘Go away,’ he said. After another beep, he rose reluctantly. ‘McCoy,’ he said in the grumpiest tone he managed.

‘Bones, I’d like to have a … word with you.’ Leonard rubbed the bridge of his nose.

‘Can’t that wait? I’m really tired.’

‘Well, if you had slept the last two nights you wouldn’t be. I’ll be with you in a minute.’ Swearing, Leonard fetched himself a strong coffee from the replicator and waited for Jim. The Captain entered without warning and Leonard gestured vaguely to a seat. ‘Here’s the thing Bones. The past two nights, you and Spock vanished, first for half an hour, then for two hours. When we return here, Spock asks me for a shore leave.’

‘So let him go. He has the days, I’m sure.’ Jim closed his eyes for a second.

‘Yes. Tell me the truth now. Is he going to be all right?’ Leonard blinked, confused for a moment. Then it dawned on him.

‘Oh! You don’t think he’s going to resign, do you?’ Jim shrugged.

‘If he can’t deal with it …’

‘He can. He’s started to come to terms with what happened to him in a very Vulcan manner, muttered something that what is, is a while ago.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I’ll let him take shore leave all right. But I just find it curious that after your very secret conversation …’

‘Now hold it. Did you … eavesdrop?’ Leonard caught himself before he could ask if Jim had watched. Jim sighed.

‘No. But I noticed, and I found two possible reasons why two people might go AWOL in the middle of the night. One is a medical emergency, physical or emotional, but I gather that that’s not it. So there’s just one more question I have: Since when?’ Leonard considered playing dumb but dismissed the thought at once.

‘Depends on how you see it. Either since Deneva or not yet.’

‘Bones … Don’t get this wrong. It’s not my business because I know none of you would exploit the other. But … don’t hurt him.’ Leonard smiled vaguely.

‘I won’t. If anyone’s going to get hurt it’s me.’ He hadn’t meant to say it. He really hadn’t. But now, back here, he didn’t feel so secure any more.

‘Why?’ Jim asked softly.

‘Because … we had … something. And it didn’t work out because I … couldn’t say anything nice to him.’

‘That sounds like it might be a problem for a human, but for a Vulcan?’

‘He is half human. I got into a relationship with Natira, at least I nearly did. And after that he was distant and I got angry and hurt him. I said a few things that were bad and he remembers some.’ Leonard studied a stain on Jim’s desk. ‘After our mission he said he wanted to see me. Now I think he wanted to tell me he cares. Then I thought he was going to … hell, I don’t know what I was thinking but I told him that I wished I’d never met him and never wanted to see him again. He … he came to me once more, telling me he was going to Gol. I asked what that would do and he explained. I asked about pon farr, and he said the priestesses there would tend to him. I … told him that was good because I couldn’t see another way he got laid unless someone took pity on him.’

‘Bones … that’s nasty.’

‘He doesn’t remember that now, but he will.’ Leonard looked up at Jim. ‘What do I do?’ Jim leaned forward.

‘Tell him. Don’t wait for him to recall this. Tell him what you said and why. And see if he can forgive you.’ Leonard nodded.

‘I hate myself right now, you know,’ he said quietly. ‘For what I said. For … not telling him right away when I realised he actually likes me.’ Jim patted Leonard’s hand.

‘Tell him that, too.’

ϡ

Leonard waited until the day Spock would be dropped off to see a healer. His guilt increased with every day, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell the man how hard he had pushed him away. When he finally asked Spock into his cabin, he was frightened out of his wits. He considered drinking a glass of bourbon or three to calm his nerves but decided against it. That never truly helped.

When Spock entered with a guarded look about him, Leonard wondered if he expected bad news. The Vulcan stood erect with his hands behind his back. ‘Is this where you tell me that you cannot see a future for us?’ Leonard shook his head and rushed towards him, pulling him close.

‘No. My God, no.’ He swallowed. ‘This is different. I want you to hear a few things from me rather than someone who messes around in your head.’ He led Spock to his bunk. The Vulcan sat down very close to him. ‘I said a few terrible things to you, Spock. You don’t remember, but you will. I need you to know that I never thought like that. I tried to make myself, but I never did.’

‘What did you say?’ Leonard swallowed. He didn’t think he’d be able to survive if Spock pulled away from him, so he put a few more inches between them and started. He managed to keep his voice steady and not sound as if he was pleading. When he was done, he looked back up at the Vulcan. He wished he could read this man. Spock allowed himself a small sigh and turned his eyes on Leonard, for once completely devoid of any expression. ‘I have to leave now. I shall let you know of the success of the … the Reldai, as it were.’ Leonard followed the retreating figure with his eyes and wanted to curl up on his bed and pass out until Spock returned and he knew what would happen. And what would not.

ϡ

When Jim had told Leonard that Spock would return the next day, the doctor felt sure he wouldn’t be able to sleep. But at some point, he must have drifted off after all, because he woke up very suddenly in the middle of the night. The chronometer on his night stand said 0245, and Leonard groaned. ‘Oh God,’ he breathed into the complete darkness. ‘God, please.’ He forced his eyes to close and tried to fall back asleep, to force his mind to calm down. A slight touch on his arm made him stiffen, sudden fear washing over him like an ocean. He hardly dared to breathe, let alone turn his head to see the source of the lingering, cool touch. Cool … Something clicked in his mind. ‘Lights to five percent,’ he said out loud, and as the computer obeyed he saw Spock, crouching beside his bed. ‘You almost gave me a heart attack,’ he said without any accusation in his voice. ‘Is it a good sign that you’re here?’ Instead of an answer, Spock reached for his hand and held it in his. ‘I’ll just take that as a yes.’

‘I did not believe you when you said you did not mean what you said,’ Spock said at last. ‘I did not believe that I would return to your side. Yet even though I remember the venom with which you said these things, I also remember the pain in your eyes. I remember seeing the same pain on some occasions we were close. I never understood.’ The Vulcan rose and tugged at his hand, and Leonard followed the gentle urging. He felt himself being pulled into an embrace. ‘I never wish to see that pain in you again.’ Lips were pressed to his, searching hands tugged up the shirt of his pyjamas before settling on the waistband of the trousers. He answered the question in Spock’s eyes with a small nod before assisting with Spock’s clothing. When they were both naked, he pulled away from Spock’s kisses for a moment.

‘Hey … wait. One thing, but it’s important. Do you trust me?’

‘Fully.’

‘If you feel uncomfortable, tell me. No matter why or when. No matter if you think it’s rational or not. I’ll stop whatever I’m doing, no questions asked, and do whatever you want. I want you to know that you are always in control of the situation, and if you feel you’re not, say it, and we’ll change that. If you need a break, you’ll get it. If you want to stop completely, we’ll stop. If you want to cuddle, I’ll do that and not ask for more. If you want to leave, leave and we’ll see each other for breakfast in the morning.’

‘I know.’

‘Promise you’ll tell me.’

‘I promise, Leonard.’ He pulled the Vulcan close again, closing his eyes when they were chest to chest, groin to groin.

‘Wait,’ Leonard said again, pulling back and settling on the bed, ‘wait … Wait, wait, wait.’ He smiled sheepishly. ‘Too fast.’

‘I apologise. I believed this would be what you want.’

‘I do. But I need to know … Spock, what is this? Am I going to have you for good? Otherwise we can’t do this. I can’t do this.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Do you forgive me?’

‘I do.’ Spock sat down next to him and wrapped the blanket around both of them. ‘And yes, I have come to stay at your side. I understand now that this is what you wish. It is also what I wish.’ That covered Leonard’s concerns nicely.

‘I do not pity you,’ he said firmly, and a small smile tugged at Spock’s lips.

‘I did not suspect that you did. Do you have any terms?’ Leonard blew out his cheeks.

‘Terms … None I’ve got to tell you. I’ve learned enough about Vulcan culture to know that I don’t have to fear to be abandoned or betrayed again, that’s not something your people’ve got in them. I know that if we bond it’ll be permanent. I know that … I know that I’ll love you until the end of my days. The only thing I won’t ever be able to do again is deal with you forgetting me.’ He looked at Spock, at the tenderness in the dark eyes, and felt completely overwhelmed by it.

‘Lenkam … I cannot ever forget you.’ Spock pressed his forehead against Leonard’s. ‘No Vulcan forgets his bondmate.’ It was too much. Leonard launched himself at Spock in a thoroughly undignified manner and straddled him, raining kisses on his forehead and his cheeks, burying his face in the crook of his neck and inhaling deeply, feeling, tasting, smelling him as if he had to convince himself this was real.

‘Temperature to 32 degrees Celsius,’ he growled and shoved the blanket out of the way with such vehemence that it landed on the floor.

‘That is very warm for a human.’

‘Yeah, but not for a stark naked Vulcan.’ He let his hands travel over the beautifully sculpted body of his lover, memorising every texture, every little irregularity in the skin. His fingers found the nipples and rubbed them until they stiffened. Spock’s eyes were closed and his breathing shallow, his sex quickly filling with blood and standing green and proud. Leonard let his hand travel up Spock’s legs to finally brush over his erection. He took him into his hand and started tugging on him with slow, deliberate movements. Long fingers wrapped around his own sex, and he, too closed his eyes, enjoying just the sensation. ‘What do you want, Spock?’ he asked at last. The brown eyes opened.

‘What do I appear to want?’ Leonard smiled, taking his hand from Spock’s member to place it over his heart instead.

‘Me,’ he said simply. ‘As incredible as that is in itself, is there anything specific you would like me to do?’ Spock nodded.

‘Yes. I want you inside me.’ Leonard swallowed hard. If Spock kept saying such things, he was unlikely to get his wish. At least not that night. Well, at least not within the next few minutes. The night was still quite young, all of a sudden.

‘I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.’ Spock’s face clouded over, and Leonard realised too late this was the wrong thing to say. Spock sat up abruptly.

‘Forgive me. It did not occur to me that you would be … For a moment I forgot that I am soiled.’ The pain of rejection was etched into Spock’s face. Leonard managed to stop him from fleeing by flinging both his arms around him from behind and pulling him back against him.

‘You forgot?’ he whispered. ‘Maybe. But you will remember. God, Spock, don’t you get how important this is? I want you so much, but not if you aren’t ready. All I meant is, are you sure you are?’ Without letting go of his prey, Leonard slid around him until they were face to face again. ‘In a way, this is our first time together. If there’s one thing I don’t want it’s you in any kind of discomfort. I want you to enjoy this. Our reunion.’ He kissed him insistently until Spock reciprocated. It took long enough to frighten Leonard. ‘I know I will enjoy it. To feel you sheathing me. To move inside you. To feel your muscles squeeze me when you come.’ With gentle pressure, he pushed Spock back down. ‘Lift your hips, love,’ he breathed, and Spock did as he was told. All but trembling with desire, Leonard shoved a pillow underneath him. He looked at the prize before him and grinned, happy beyond words.

He knew he had a hungry look on his face as he regarded Spock, and for a while he feared he would frighten him, but the Vulcan did not seem intimidated by his position or Leonard’s way to look at him. On the contrary, he spread his legs wide, allowing Leonard to settle between them. ‘Prepare to be spoiled, Mister,’ Leonard told him. He reached up with one hand to take Spock’s. Their fingers intertwined. ‘If you need a break, squeeze.’ A small nod told him his lover was ready. Leonard descended on him like a starved man.

Closing his eyes, he focussed on the smell and the feel of the alien sex. He had touched him before, he had sucked him off before, but he had never allowed himself to experience him. If he had ever pondered these things, the clinical intercourse would have made him fall apart. Spock didn’t smell like a human and Leonard had always enjoyed that. He had never tried to figure out what he smelled of. There was a trace of cinnamon and something else, something almost floral. He took a deep breath with his nose poking into the soft flesh at the base of Spock’s sex. ‘Oatmeal,’ he said suddenly. ‘My God, you smell of oatmeal. You should be taken with milk and honey.’

‘I would not put it past you.’ Leonard chuckled softly and took Spock’s sex gently into his hand. He ran the tip of his tongue up from the base to the tip before sucking the head between his lips. He bobbed his head up and down slowly, enjoying the taste of his lover and the light motion of his hips, seeking deeper contact. Leonard obliged and went down on him in earnest, eliciting a groan. Spock’s free hand landed on his head, encouraging him. How Spock managed to do that without appearing dominant was a miracle to Leonard. Suddenly, Spock stilled and pulled him away. Leonard shifted on the bed until his was at eye-level with Spock.

‘You okay?’ he asked softly. Lust and love shone in the Vulcan’s eyes.

‘Yes. It was beginning to feel too good if I want to last.’ A smile tugged at Leonard’s lips.

‘Spock … don’t hold back. We have all our lives.’ If he was honest, Leonard was less than certain that he could hold out long enough himself. The mere thought of entering Spock threatened to send him over the edge. He kissed the hollow of his throat before moving down and licking over his nipples. ‘Want me to fetch the lube?’ Spock nodded solemnly, and Leonard slipped to the floor to dig in the drawer of his night stand. ‘Like I said. Just one word and I stop. Any time.’ He received another nod.

‘Please proceed.’ Spock tried to hide it, but he was nervous. Leonard could feel it with every fibre.

‘Anything … I shouldn’t do? Like … do you want to sit down on me so you don’t feel trapped?

‘No, but I do not want to kneel. I want to see your eyes.’ Leonard understood. They had made him kneel, had entered him from behind and the only thing he’d seen before he had kicked himself into unconsciousness was probably the groins of his other tormentors.

‘All right. Pull your legs up to your chest. You always said you don’t need much preparation, but I’ll be very thorough with you.’ He sucked the tip of one pointed ear between his lips and continued in a whisper. ‘Maybe you don’t need it, but I’ll have you begging for me to take you by the end of it.’ A shudder ran through Spock, and it wasn’t from fear. Sitting between Spock’s legs again, he placed the lube beside him. He’d need it later, but right now he had something else in mind. He pulled Spock’s cheeks apart and looked at the tight little hole. To imagine that someone had used him so horribly, just thrusting inside without letting him adjust, never mind against his will … It was something he could never understand, and he didn’t want to. All he wanted was for Spock to enjoy their lovemaking.

When he looked up, Leonard saw Spock’s eyes fixed on him and he smiled at him, hoping to soothe his nerves. ‘You’re beautiful,’ he told him quietly. ‘You’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen.’ He kept his eyes locked on Spock’s when he flicked his tongue over his entrance.

‘I am not certain if this is sanitary.’ Leonard licked some more before pulling away slightly and blowing softly against the moistened skin.

‘Stop worrying and enjoy. I’m a doctor and I tell you it’s safe.’ He had the impression that Spock was going to argue, but the Vulcan made no attempt to turn away, so he returned his attention to the tender opening, probing with his tongue and turning whatever Spock would have said into a half-stifled moan.

Leonard had expected that Spock would be tense. He hadn’t really thought that Spock would be ready for any of this, let alone anyone penetrating him. But under Leonard’s gentle ministrations, the taut ring of muscles slowly loosened, and he could push his tongue inside, causing the Vulcan to squirm with pleasure. When he tried to push in a lubed finger, it slid in without effort. Still, he waited before adding a second, searching the nub inside him first. That particular bit of anatomy was no different between the two species, thankfully. By the time Leonard pushed a second finger inside, Spock was trembling, and the only reason why he hadn’t come yet was the fact that as a Vulcan he had much more control than a human. He was close, that much was certain, and Leonard kept him on the brink. When he decided to try three fingers and felt no resistance he allowed himself to hope that his might work after all. With a final nudge at Spock’s prostate, he removed his fingers and slid up Spock’s body, pressing their erections together. ‘I want to make love to you, Spock,’ he said to him, caressing his cheek with his knuckles.

‘Yes,’ was all Spock managed. Leonard adjusted himself and pushed gently. He felt Spock tense and halted.

‘Shh, love,’ he whispered. ‘Open your eyes. You wanted to see me. So look.’ Spock did as he was told. ‘It’s me, Spock. I won’t hurt you. I promise you. I won’t ever hurt you.’ He felt the Vulcan push up against him, but the resistance was still there. ‘No, don’t force yourself.’ He kissed him, more caring than anything else. ‘Do you believe it will be easier if you’re on top?’

‘No. It is illogical to be afraid. This is hardly the first time you do this to me.’

‘It’s all right. Do you wish to wait? I can wait. I’ll just keep doing what I did before. Pleasure you with my mouth.’ Spock’s hands took his shoulders and pushed him far enough away to look at him properly.

‘You are lying above me, close to climaxing yourself and about to penetrate me, and now you tell me you can wait?’ Leonard smiled.

‘I told you. Any time.’ He started to withdraw, but Spock caught his hips quickly and stopped him.

‘No.’ He reached down and positioned Leonard again. ‘Please.’ Leonard leaned down and kissed Spock again, more purposefully. He pushed his hips forward slightly and felt the muscle give. He pulled back and nudged again, and each time he slid in a little deeper. ‘Yes. Leonard, you feel good.’ Spock’s back arched, his hips bucked, and before he could react, Spock was impaled on him. Leonard’s eyes closed and he groaned, his hands searching for something to hold on to and finding Spock’s shoulders.

‘Oh God, Spock,’ he managed. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I am well. You can move, if you want to.’ He almost laughed at that. And how he wanted to. Cautiously, gently, he started to rock his hips, fighting the urge to just thrust into the man and spill inside him. Spock’s hands were sliding over his skin now, caressing everywhere he could reach.

‘Do not hold back, Leonard, we have all our lives,’ he said softly. ‘I am not afraid.’ Tentatively, Leonard increased the urgency of his thrusts. Spock moved against him, their groins meeting rhythmically with wet sounds. Leonard had never felt anything so good. Supporting himself with one arm, he reached down between them and started stroking Spock’s erection.

‘I don’t think I’ll last much longer, Spock,’ he said, his breath ragged. He felt sweat running down his face and his hair clinging to his forehead. Spock’s skin was dry, but that was a natural trait. That he was enjoying their encounter was beyond doubt. His eyes were on fire, mouth slightly open, and a green blush covered his cheeks. A hand came to rest in the small of Leonard’s back, the other over his heart, and suddenly, something flared up between them. He felt Spock’s unadulterated joy and his pleasure. Pumping him harder, Leonard thrust into him with abandon, eliciting moans of increasing desperation from the otherwise stoic Vulcan.

‘Ashau tu nash-veh,’ Spock said, and although Leonard didn’t speak a word of that language, he understood.

‘Oh, Spock, I love you too. So much.’

‘Leonard, come for me. I will be with you. Do not hold back.’ Locking lips with Spock again, Leonard groaned and let the waves crash over his head. He felt the contractions of Spock’s muscles around him and fell deeper still into the abyss of love and lust, all the world blinking out of existence, leaving only him and the Vulcan, whose arms held him tightly. The spasms ebbed almost reluctantly and slowly the world around them drifted back into his perception. He found that he lay on top of Spock’s chest, still buried inside him. Fighting to catch his breath, he slid off and out of him and sighed.

‘Spock … tell me I’m not going to wake up alone tomorrow to find that you’re not coming back.’ The Vulcan turned to his side to face him and pulled him flush against him.

‘I shall never leave you,’ he said so softly Leonard felt the words more than he heard them. ‘I shall be here in the morning, and I shall be here whenever it is possible.’

‘As will I.’ Leonard considered if he really should say what he had on his mind, but he felt he owed it to Spock. He snuggled into the embrace, their limbs entangled, hoping that would make it easier to hear.

‘It’s still not over, you know,’ he said. ‘Tell you the truth, I didn’t expect this would happen any time soon. Be aware that tomorrow you might be illogically anxious and it won’t.’ He cupped Spock’s cheek and looked at him. ‘What I said is still true. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll quit doing whatever I’m doing. That’ll always be true.’ Spock took Leonard’s hand in his and kissed it.

‘I know. But I believe that if this ever happens, all I need is see your eyes.’ His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘They are beautiful, Leonard. They shine like your soul.’ Slightly overwhelmed, Leonard snuggled close to avoid the intense scrutiny.

‘Don’t get all sappy on me here, Spock.’ He didn’t want to sleep, but he couldn’t fight it. He felt so safe, so happy, so warm, he just drifted off, their limbs entangled and Spock’s warm breath ghosting over the top of his head.

When he woke up in the morning, Leonard was confused for a moment. Slowly everything came back to him, and he opened his eyes to see Spock looking at him. ‘Hey,’ he said softly, tilting his head for a sweet kiss. ‘I’m dreaming. I must be.’

‘I have to admit that I have entertained similarly illogical thoughts.’

‘Spock … what’ll happen now? Do you … do you want to keep it secret again?’

‘No.’ The answer came instantaneously. ‘I will inform my parents of our union, and I would rather the crew is aware of our status than have them talking behind our backs.’

‘Jim sort of knows, Spock. Pretty much called me on it. What will your parents say?’

‘They will, no doubt, be relieved that I have found a mate who will not reject me when I need him.’

‘I’m a man, Spock.’ Spock’s lips twitched.

‘I noticed. A bondmate does not need to be of the opposite sex.’ He traced Leonard’s lips with a thumb. ‘Our shifts begin in two hours. If we wish to eat and refresh ourselves, we should leave the bed now.’ Leonard grinned.

‘If we must.’ He halted in his movements, remembering something. ‘You know, Jim said we’d pick you up today. But you came in the middle of last night. Unannounced.’

‘I found your question whether I want to hide our bond slightly … inane. I assumed it was due to the early hour since obviously he knew of my presence on the ship despite what he told you.’

‘So he helped you sneak in here like that?’

‘I am aware I left you anxious. I decided to make up for it, and Jim cooperated.’

‘And … you said our bond. We’re not bonded yet, are we? I felt … something telepathic I guess, but I thought there’d be a greater difference.’

‘It is not yet a bond, but that will happen by itself. It has already started.’

‘Are we going to … you know, need to go to Vulcan and shake little bells?’ A small smile played around Spock’s lips.

‘No.’

‘Pity. Not the absence of the bells, but the absence of a ceremony of some sort.’ Leonard knelt and gathered up his clothes. ‘Have you seen my briefs?’ Ever helpful, Spock handed them over.

‘A ceremony is only conducted on Vulcan if the outcome is uncertain or if a spontaneous bond will not happen and a third party is required to create it. If you wish it, we can ask Jim for a service on the ship.’ Leonard had barely just taken the piece of cloth when he dropped it again.

‘You wouldn’t … would you?’

‘I am not ashamed of you, Lenkam.’ Spock stood tall and proud, hands clasped behind his back. Since he was still quite naked, that was a distracting sight. ‘You are staring. You should make haste.’